#the “you are endlessly valuable and just as deserving of life as everyone else in your AU was” talk

[roseapov]

Empress

Claude de Alger Obelia x F!Reader

Tw: sexual themes, obsession, implied kidnapping, arranged marriage and pregnancy

! Sexual themes ! 13+ !

Povtober 2023, Day 14 [Masterlist]

You, a second-in-line royal, neglected by your family. The audacity of your family to do so, as they were ruling over a small kingdom, completely insignificant with the comparison to the whole continent.

Your kingdom is only still standing cause of one condition made by the Obelian Empire. As long as you were to be engaged and later married to the Obelian Emperor, your country will continue to stand strong, with the help of a powerful empire.

However if the conditions were to be broken off, everyone in your land would suffer a great loss, being led to a war with a completely crushing opponent, that would weep out your homeland in a week, if they so desired.

And yet you still got mistreated, even as a peace keeper. One day, when you had enough of it, you run away, or at least planned to. Your escape plan seemed decent with a big chance for success, as your wing of the castle was almost empty, with most of the servants in your parents and older sibling side.

On the same day the said emperor came to your castle to talk about the marriage details. When you tried to sneak off through the royal gardens, you got stopped by some unknown man with blonde hair and blue jeweled eyes.

Tossing from side to side, desperately trying to run away from his grasp, chanting like a mantra that you wanted to leave this place forever. Eventually you became tired and with this man unrelenting grip, falling asleep in his arms.

The next moment you wake up, you're in bed with that mysterious man from the last night, being dangerously close to each other.

Later on you found out, you were taken to the Obelian Empire as a future empress, and the man you woke up to was the emperor.

And... You don't want to know what happened to your kingdom.. That's the safest option to choose!

Ever since your arrival you finally got treated like a real royalty, being drowned by all that valuables and attentiveness of the servants and guards.

The man, whose name you learned to be Claude, never really left your side ever since. You had a hard time warming up to him, even when he took you away from your family, his cold glare scaring you endlessly.

Shortly after your arrival, the marriage and coronation came shortly after. People welcoming you with open arms and a great amount of hope, that you will be able to tame their ruler.

Claude was very attentive to you, seeing your every little discomfort, swiftly disposing of its source. Example?

When you didn't like the food the chef cooked, and Claude ordering to execute him. That's the exact part when you step in, pleading him to spare this poor soul. To everyone's surprise he indeed listened to you and left this person alive.

From that day onward you earned the utmost respect and adoration from your subjects, being known for your benevolence towards anyone, no matter their status but also the ability to calm down the tyrant emperor.

But after a while of your reign with Claude came the question of the children. As a married man Claude has slayed all of his concubines, just for you, which left you scared and speechless, to discard someone's life so easily, how.. vicious.

As a ruler without concubines and children, he had to, well.. make some. Preferably with the empress, but some other women would do the thing too, no they wouldn't, he killed everyone seconds after these words left their mouths.

The fact that they had the audacity to suggest him making future heirs with someone else? Truly outrageous, they met an end they deserved.

To make all that nonsense quiet you don't have a choice and decide with your husband that it is time to make a royal heir. You're doing that only because it's a part of your royal duties, but don't worry your husband knows it and just pretends that you want it as much as he does.

During this time, he would constantly cling to you and if it were for him, you wouldn't need to stand up from the bed at all, which you rarely did anyway.

He threatened everyone with death if you were to leave your shared bedroom.

He greatly enjoyed your baby making process, taking in all of you. Your expression and sounds you made, he has it all detaily memorized.

Being even more intoxicated with you, and when you tried to muffle your moans, he got even harsher, considering it disrespecting the emperor and denying his wishes.

He became ruthless, telling you how lucky you are that he favors you, that anyone else in your place would be already dead. You should be thankful you haven't met this horrible end, and yet you still have the audacity to disobey him, truly bold of you, Empress.

Let him put you in your place, always beneath him.

If you do get pregnant, you'll forget what it was like to have a moment for yourself. Now you're under the watching gaze of Claude as he doesn't let you do anything at all. While always standing right by your side, watching you as your belly gets rounder with every passing week.

That child will be the next ruler of the Obelian Empire, it will be yours child, yours and his.

A living proof that you decided was forced to make love with him, a living proof that you were all his and he all yours, till the end of the time, saved in the history for all to read.

I went all out on this one which is weird since I had 0 thoughts after my sickness, but I'm not complaining🤭 This came out mostly 'you' centered, so I'm sorry to everyone who didn't liked that, it was an accident🙏 I tried making it more Claude centered by making this fic longer, to conceal the 'you' centered part, but I don't know how well I pulled that off 👀 Feedback is greatly appreciated💛

~roseapov

[tyrantisterror]

Who are your top favorite personifications of death in fiction and what is it that endears you to each version specifically?

None will ever surpass Death from Discworld, a character of supreme compassion who toils endlessly to care for people and assure their end is handled with all the grace and kindness they have earned in life. He's in many ways a pitiable figure, full of love for the living that he is never able to get truly close to, horrified at the cruel realities of life that he cannot undo but merely soften, and rarely ever acknowledged for the hard work he puts in at every moment of existence. He is one with his Duty, responsible to a fault. Death wants nothing more than to give life, to preserve it, to make it so we don't suffer anymore, but he knows reality doesn't work like that, and can't work like that, so instead he does his job and does it well, making sure we get some atom of justice and mercy in death when it's earned, even and especially if we didn't get it in life.

It probably seems a bit trendy to list Death from Puss in Boots as my second favorite, but I think he's going to stand the test of time as one of the GOATs of death personified. He's terrifying and relentless, bringing a looming dread that hangs over the story from his entrance on despite him only popping up sporadically, exactly as death should. While he's an antagonist in the story, he, like Discworld's Death, holds life itself in high regard, and only pursues Puss in Boots so maliciously because Puss has failed to do the same, treating his lives as frivolous and expendable rather than the precious and finite gifts they are.

Death in Bill And Ted begins as a riff on Death from The Seventh Seal, but, after being beaten by the titular duo at a shitload of board games, slowly comes out of his shell to reveal he's actually a pretty sweet and fun-loving guy when he's allowed to get out of his gloomy work persona. It all continues this theme of Death cherishing life in its way - that the finite nature of life, its necessary end, makes it all the more valuable to cherish.

The Red Death from Edgar Allen Poe's The Masque of the Red Death is a bit more malicious, tormenting the courtiers of Prince Prospero's titular masquerade by reminding them of the plague they're all ignoring before finally killing all of them when it's dramatically appropriate to do so. But, like, they fucking deserved it, using their wealth and power not to help their countrymen, but to live in lavish luxury while the common folk die hideously to a vile disease. The Red Death, in his indomitable grip on humanity, ensures a certain level of justice is held - that while the rich and selfish may steal some escape from the grim realities of life, Death will come for them just the same as it comes for the poor.

I'm going to end with Death from the Castlevania show on Netflix, who's about as evil as Deaths get in fiction, and deliciously so. He's crass, vulgar, petty, and utterly selfish, which ironically makes him feel more human than anyone else on this list. Which works for how death and violence as a whole are shown a consequences of those very human vices - after four seasons of characters inflicting death wantonly for the sake of their own personal desires and faults, it makes sense that the Death of this world would have all that pettiness cranked up to the extreme - and that he is defeated by a hero deciding once and for all to rise above his own vices and faults to fight against impossible odds for the sake of everyone else.

[winter-soldier-vibes]

We Need You

Bucky x reader

Word count: 1901

Summary: Bucky comforts a reader with imposter syndrome (inability to believe that one’s success is deserved)

Warnings: imposter syndrome, low self worth/self esteem, feeling worthless, slight angst, mostly comfort

A/N: I have issues that present similarly to imposter syndrome, but I don’t experience it fully or severely. You belong and wherever you are, you fucking earned that. You worked hard to get where you are. I hope this fic can bring you some comfort, I apologize if I did not serve the topic justice. Sorry it took so long! As always, if anyone needs anything from me or just wants to talk and vent, I am ALWAYS here! <3

Tags: @buckys2thicc @buckfics @thatfangirl42 @mardema @barnesplums @bucks-bunny @stucky-on-spiderman @peggycarter-steverogers @freigeistundanderes

Add yourself to my taglist! Masterlist

------

You were calm, cool and collected. Smart, dedicated, and hard-working. You were an Avenger, one of the more valuable assets to the team with your training in hand to hand combat and knowledge of weaponry. 

At least, that’s how everyone saw you. Everyone except you. 

Every “job well done” translated to “I could’ve done better” for you. Compliments in a way felt like pity to you. Like it was all a lie or something. You could’ve been better, you didn’t think you were anything special. 

Anytime someone gave you praise you would wave it off with a small smile. Everyone saw it as you being modest, but internally you just couldn’t accept it. You couldn’t accept praise knowing you could’ve done better.

Settle for nothing less than perfection. But nobody’s perfect.

You were endlessly grateful for your team, your family, but you couldn’t help but feel like you didn’t deserve it. You had so much good in your life, but you felt like you had to keep proving yourself. 

You had everything you could ever want, but you still felt like you had to earn it. 

You thought you had done a good job at keeping it hidden. Imposter syndrome you had heard someone call it at one point. You had looked into it, realizing more and more of it resonated with you. You didn’t feel that you deserved your spot on the team, even though most of the team could agree that you were one of their best fighters. 

You were also one of the kindest people on the team, and everyone enjoyed being in your company. Again, you wrote it off as them feeling obligated to talk to you rather than them choosing to talk to you. 

Everything you thought about yourself, the degrading names you called yourself, and the way you waved off all of your achievements didn’t match up at all with the way anyone thought about you. 

It went unnoticed to most. You would put up a front, small smiles and thank you’s occasionally. There would be small side comments that you would make occasionally, but it was nothing that would cause red flags to arise. 

It’s nothing, really.

I didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done.

It’s no big deal.

No worries

That’s why I’m here I guess

Compliments were deflected. Whenever you received criticism you would internalize it even though you knew it was nothing against you. Friendly advice to improve job performance. But for you, it reinforces the thought that your performance needed to be improved.

No matter what you did, you would never be good enough. You used to chase achievements, telling yourself that if you did well enough, if you did good things, that you would feel a sense of self worth. That maybe if you achieved things you would be filled with a sense of pride.

Instead you were left feeling as though you didn’t deserve any of the recognition you received. In a way, it made you feel even more insecure.

You thought that if you accepted the praise you would seem self indulgent or boastful that if you said what your achievements were you would seem prideful. So you accepted them with a small smile and thank you. At least until people moved onto the next topic and you drop the smile when it seemed safe. When no one was watching. 

When you thought no one was watching. 

Which is how Bucky had come to notice the discomfort you had.

When he had first joined the team, he was very quiet. He did a lot of listening and observing, not wanting to speak much himself. That was understandable to anyone. So when you had been introduced to him and your skillset had been mentioned and you waved it off saying no big deal, he had noticed how you shifted as if you were uncomfortable and your smile dropped as soon as the attention was on someone else. 

He didn’t think much of it. If anything it had to do with being uncomfortable around him. 

But as time passed he started relaxing around everyone too, especially you. He was still accepting what he had done and who he was now. He was still reserved but he wasn’t silent. The two of you had become good friends, being two of the quieter personalities on the team. 

Now you had someone to keep you company when you stayed at the outskirts of Tony’s parties.  

But as more time went on, he noticed small things that you did. Behaviors you had, things you said. Clutch phrases. The way you would seem embarrassed when people complimented you. The way you would say that there were no worries even if you were the only reason that a mission was successful. 

Sometimes when you thought you were alone or no one would hear, he would catch you mumbling things to yourself. Things like yeah right to compliments before giving a genuine response. The slight shakes of the head in protest. The nervous habits you had when you got a compliment. The little things that others were too distracted to notice, too small to 

Bucky was an observant man. 

Which is how one night, you hadn’t realized him come into your room to talk to you about something that Bucky completely forgot about once he saw you. You were sitting down at your desk, head in your hands and rubbing your eyes. 

Jesus why am I so stupid

What the fuck is wrong with me

They don’t mean what they say

How could they like you?

I’m worthless

Just like everyone else

I don’t belong here

You were so trapped by the marathon of degrading thoughts that you hadn’t heard Bucky come in. He stood beside you, concern etched on his face. 

“Y/n?” you jumped slightly and took your hands away from your face, blinking in surprise. You had been crying. Why was he here?

“Y/n what’s wrong?” he asked, coming over to you. 

You shook your head and shrugged, wiping a few loose tears from your face. “‘M fine Buck,” you whispered, struggling to keep your emotions out of your voice.

“Y/n,” Bucky said, crouching down in front of you. “You wouldn’t be crying if something wasn’t wrong. It’s okay to be upset, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just tell me why you’re upset.”

You shook your head again. “Really Buck, I’m fine.”

“Y/n, I may not be able to read minds like Wanda, but I know something’s bothering you.it’s okay.”

You sighed, taking a breath before looking at him. “Do you guys really mean it?” you suddenly asked meekly.

Bucky drew his eyebrows together in confusion. “Mean...what?” 

“After missions, when you say I did the right thing, that I did a good job, that you guys need me - do you mean it?”

Bucky looked more puzzled now. “Yeah, of course we do. Why else would we say things like that?”

“If you thought you were supposed to.” you said suddenly. “Or if, you know, you wanted to be polite, or you thought I wanted to hear it, or you didn’t really mean it I don’t really know I -”

“Y/n, hold on, slow it down...What?” Bucky said. “Why on Earth would you think that?”

You crossed your arms and shrugged. “I dunno, I just don’t really feel like I’m all that valuable to you guys here. I don’t do anything you guys couldn’t do without me. I make so many mistakes all the time and no matter how hard I try I just don’t feel like I belong here.”

Bucky took a minute to look at you. He had known you doubted yourself but this was beyond what he had thought. To think that you, y/n, weren’t valuable to this team was a crazy idea to him

To you it was the truth.

“Y/n, no, we need you. Why on Earth would you think you don’t belong?”

“Because I haven’t earned it. I’m on the team, I fight with you guys, but I still don’t feel like I should be. The mistakes I make all the time, the wrong calls, the selfish calls, bad judgements...I could go on. I just...no matter how much good I do it doesn’t make the mistakes go away.”

“Y/n, you are one of the best people we have, we -”

“No I’m not,” you said firmly, surprising Bucky. You shook your head. “You guys don’t need me. I don’t deserve to be on this team.”

“And I do?” Bucky asked.

You looked back at him. “What do you mean? Of course you do. Your the best fighter we have, Steve's best friend, we need you.”

“But I’ve made so many mistakes. You know all of the horrible things that I’ve done y/n. I was made into a weapon.” he said.”

“Bucky you know that wasn’t your fault. You didn’t choose that and you would've done anything to stop it. That’s different. You’re a great fighter and a good person, Bucky.”

“So are you.” he stated simply. “Do you believe that?”

You took a deep breath.  “I believe you believe that. But that doesn’t mean it’s true.”

Bucky put his hands on your shoulders. “You are a fighter. A hero. You’ve saved so many people doing things that some of us couldn’t or wouldn’t do. People out there remember how you saved them. How you protected them and gave yourself to them. That was you, no one else. You are a part of this team, you help make it what it is. We would be lost without you. You put your blood, sweat, and tears into this team. You give your heart and soul to this team. You’ve earned every goddamn bit of praise you get and more. You fought your place onto this team and you deserve to be here just as much as everyone else here. So when your head tells you that you don’t belong or that we don’t need you, tell it to fuck off. Because you’re one of the best people we have.”

By now you had tears in your eyes again, but not ones of shame. Ones of appreciation and relief. You had wanted to hear those words directly for so long and to be affirmed in that way was something you needed. “Thank you Bucky,” you said softly, giving him one of your first genuine smiles at a compliment.

He squeezed your shoulder reassuringly. “Anytime. Anytime you want a reminder, you let me know. I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it before you can start to believe it for yourself.”

[lynasushi]

Recognition || angst

Vil and Neige’s backstory theory + ending of chapter 5 (twisted wonderland)

Tw : physical abuse, death, angst, mentions child physical abuse (by another child)

Spoiler chapter 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was over. Dreams, hopes, all of his efforts ; nothing was left except despair, anger and shame. 

He didn't even know if he still had a heart- it felt as if someone had cut off the ties between his heart and mind. 

Then, why did he feel it tearing apart ? Why did he feel the cold slowly eating his whole being ? 

His heart was still there...but for how much longer ?

Betrayed, and now alone...even if deep inside he knew that some of those who loathed him had valuable reasons ; they didn't know the truth. 

They didn't know how much he had suffered to become who he was . How painful it was to work endlessly and perfectly without getting the reward his heart begged for.

Recognition. 

Recognition as his own person, not as Neige's rival, nor as the second after Neige ; but as Vil Schoenheit, a successful model and actor, the one whose constant dedication was seen as an example to everyone. 

But..did they ever give him a chance ?...Why would they, when Neige's shadow has been suffocating him since his youngest age ?

Neige, the perfect angel naturally succeeding in everything he does, the hero of Twisted Wonderland- against Vil, the one who would never surpass the blinding light of the fresh snow, no matter how much effort he’d put in over the years ; the eternal villain whose fate was to live in the shadows for the rest of his existence. 

This feeling of constantly drowning and being pushed back, whenever he would be about to breathe and feel the rays of the sun on his skin. 

For years, he had been able to keep his head above water, but he knew that one single mistake would make him fall back into the deepest parts of the ocean. 

And so it happened. Today, on stage, when he could've instead felt the warmth of victory for the first time in his life, he was instead cast away into the abyss, far away from everything he fought for, everyone's eyes judging him as if he were the greatest disappointment, the worst failure that ever lived.

If only… if only they could see that the one that they'd always seen as an angel was in reality, the worst demon ever created. 

A perfect demon indeed- flawless from the outside, and rotten deep inside. Constantly pushing Vil to the edge and using against him an act that he had never forgiven himself for. 

The death of Neige's mother, Vil's stepmother. An accident that only these two had witnessed.

But it didn't matter anymore. 

Staying silent or revealing the truth ? He had lost anyway. He had lost since the beginning, since his mother had fallen ill and died, leaving him all alone with his father, who’d suddenly brought another woman in their life, accompanied by his eternal rival, Neige. 

And what followed definitely cost Vil's right of happiness and freedom. 

It was just an accident...but buying Neige's silence cost him a lot…

What was happening now- was this his punishment for what happened ?...Did he really deserve it ? 

...

"Vil-san, are you feeling alright ?" 

...his voice...it's shattering and reducing to dust the remaining of my heart….stop it….just stop it….

"What a monster ! Hitting the students like that during daily training ! Tch, I can't believe I admired him once ! Neige is such a sweetheart, not an ounce of wickedness in this boy !"

"Schoenheit is such a loser ! No wonder Neige has always been first !" 

…..stop it….

"Calm down everyone ! I'm sure that it's not what we believe ! Let's try to talk to the student we see on the video to get some answers !-"

…..stop talking,,Neige Leblanche….you're the one who posted this video….and Rook gave it to you...stop pretending….you planned this all along, right ?....

"-everyone calm down, I'll talk privately to Vil-san, try and find the boy from the video. We can do this together !"

I said….stop it…..you hypocrite...stop hiding what you did to me…

"Wooaa Neige-san is so kind-hearted !!"

"Yeah ! I'd never give another chance to a bastard like Schoenheit !"

...leave me alone...I can't do this anymore….

"Come Vil-san ! Let's talk in a quieter place..."

Neige took Vil's arm and his body seemed to move on its own, like the puppet he has always been to the other.

They entered the official building rented especially for VDC, but Vil couldn't even tell the hallways and rooms apart, his eyesight blurry and his head constantly ringing. 

He suddenly heard the sound of a doorknob clicking, and of a door opening then closing behind them. 

That's when Neige abruptly threw him on the floor, the ringing in his head becoming a deafening whistling. The pain ? He couldn't feel it anymore- he was now nothingness, a mere physical envelope that had to endure whatever life was throwing at him. 

He had suffered for so long that now, he just felt... empty. It was no use to try to scream and protest ; it was no use when one didn't believe that they deserved better. 

"Ha... all these years you thought that you could beat me, Villain ?" 

Neige's shoe harshly crushed his jaw- the pressure in his head was now unbearable,  his mind filling with a thick fog, cutting him off from everything else….his heart was slowly disconnecting ; incidentally, all will to fight back was escaping him. 

"You're a murderer, and weak, just like your mommy. No wonder your dad looked for someone better...and what did you do to her ?....

You killed her you bastard-"

Vil received a kick in his lower abdomen, and he felt a scream forcing its way through his throat :  a pain-filled cry that resonated, breaking the sepulchral silence of the room. 

This kick….just like all the other ones he received during his childhood, from Neige...that he then transmitted to Epel. 

Epel…he reminded him so much of Neige- a version of Neige that was still unsure of himself….and deep inside, he was a beautiful being ; unlike this fake angel.

That was... why he couldn't contain his anger when Epel was there, it felt like tasting the sweet and sour taste of his vengeance upon Neige- a vengeance that would never see the day.

"Your unique magic is to curse all those around you, because you yourself are one. I wish you could just throw a sleeping spell on yourself, just like you did to my mom.

Neither alive nor dead…..hahaha- actually…just like right now ~ ahahaha..." 

"....I-."

Neige removed his foot from Vil's face, a surprised expression appearing on his visage that could seem candid if it wasn't for his malevolent smirk. 

"What's wrong ? You wanna say something, Villain ?...admit that you're a murderer, perhaps ?"

Vil gulped, the words could hardly leave his burning throat ; but if there was a moment in which he had to use his remaining strength to blurt out itching words clawing at him, this was it.

".....an..accident…...is..was…..an..accident...I didn't-"

"Of course it was an accident- I know this already. I was there, remember ? But you also seem to forget-" 

Neige crouched down and violently turned Vil's face towards him, tightly gripping his hair as the former laughs, "- that no one will ever believe you- you are the Villain that everyone despises. Unlike me, you aren't that good of an actor !" 

Vil painfully hissed, his scalp scorching and his neck painfully twisting towards Neige, eyes full of disbelief and despair.

He definitely couldn't escape this. He was trapped, and it was only the beginning of this nightmare. No one, to help him or to save him.

"You lost Villain, trying to reach my level has always been a waste of your time. You'll now die in the mind of everyone, no one will ever remember you, and I, will be the most loved person in this world. Your father will be proud of me and only me, and he’ll call me his only son, because you are, after all, just an unworthy being ; unworthy to even consume the oxygen of this world. Be grateful for what you have now- it'll always be much more than what you deserve."

Neige dropped Vil's hair, letting the blond’s head crash onto the cold floor painfully, then headed towards the door- but before he stepped outside, he paused, and turned towards Vil slightly- or at least, he did from Vil's perspective, judging by how Neige's feet were now pointing in his direction- and let out a deep and...happy sigh. 

"Well ! Time to find the others now ! Wish me luck, Vil-san !" 

He left and closed the door, leaving Vil, all alone, lying on the floor. 

...finally, it was over. He could finally suffer on his own, savouring the silence unpolluted by the voice of that white demon. 

..Did anyone know that he was here ?

..Who would care anyway ? He surely was shown everywhere as the worst monster of Twisted Wonderland.

Neige made him feel even more worthless than the word itself. Rook and Epel….would they try to find him ? No, of course not..but if they did- would it be to help ? Or... to push him even farther into this endless darkness ? 

He then realized the inevitable : 

no one would ever miss him. 

Neige was right all along. 

The Queen had been defeated.

~~

[funkymbtifiction]

What’s been your experience of knowing a person of each Enneagram type?

It’s nothing if not interesting. 😉

1s: can be principled, dutiful, and reliable. Their pet peeve is for people to be rude, irresponsible, inconsiderate, or late. I’ve known an sp 1 and a soc 1. The sp 1 does indeed resemble a 6 due to content fretting, low self esteem, terror of getting it wrong, and general anxiety, but shows 1 behaviors of obsessive cleaning, a desperate need to control everything, and rigidity in setting up “house rules.” In so doing, she has denied herself anything that is not “useful,” which I find terribly sad. She has no room for pleasure in her life. The soc 1 is far more inclined to be assertive, to correct others, to point out what they are doing wrong, and to show her anger. Much less self doubt.

2s: ah, 2s. I’ve known a few marginally and one “sort of” well, since I spent ten days with her on a visit to another state. She truly reminded me of Molly Weasley in her bustling about, her attending to everyone’s numerous needs (and ability to keep us all in line), her pride in doing things for everyone, and her sensitivities. At one point, her daughter told her, “MOM, STOP MOLLY WEASLEY-ING CHARITY! SHE’S FINE. SHE DOESN’T NEED WATER. THANKS.” Ha, ha. I liked her a great deal, but it amused me how defensively she drove – under stress, I saw her 8 come out, though I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. We all snapped to attention whenever that happened.

3s: I admire their work ethic but… the one I know offline has to find some way to impress people, no matter what. If that is in showing you his muscles and making sure you know how far he biked today, so be it. It used to be because he was proud of his professional life. Since retirement, I have seen him struggle enormously with having a sense of purpose and trying to find one that doesn’t hinge on his non-existent work. That is what worries me about 3s – getting old, and no longer having society regard them as “useful and essential” is HELL on them. Please, make sure, if you are a 3, to do the internal work on figuring out who you are, and recognizing your own worth as separate from what you do, before you reach that age.

4s: I have known a lot of 4s, some healthy and some not. I have two delightful healthy ones in my life right now – an sp/sx 4 and an soc/sp 4, and they are indeed different. The sp 4 is more internal and less aware of or inclined to change herself for others; the soc 4 looks outward, and is highly attentive to other people. Sp 4 can take on others’ pain and burdens in a sense and feel overwhelmed by it – and with both of these beautiful girls, I’ve seen it turn them toward compassion. But they do tend to run high on “drama.” It’s not a song, it’s an opera. I knew an unhealthy 4 once who was hell-bound to remain miserable and a victim wallowing in her pain and thwarted (almost sadistically gleefully) anyone’s attempts to help her rise above her bad situation. She wanted to stay there. And she drove everyone who knew her insane. Eventually, she lost all her friends due to her being the wet mop all the time -- which of course, fed into her sadistic happiness at being miserable, abandoned, and unloved.

5s: can be callous at times, just because they are so lacking in emotional self-awareness and so fixated on logical solutions, but they will give it to you straight if you ask for it. They tend toward severe social awkwardness—think Mr. Darcy at the Netherfield Ball. Most inclined to disappear five minutes after you meet them and remain unseen until you leave. I knew a five once, the father of a friend, who would call out hello to me as he walked right past me, straight down into the basement, where he hid for hours among his books. Given he had a house full of giggling, silly girls, I don’t blame him. He was truly Mr. Bennet.

6s: can be either the warmest, funniest, most loyal people you will ever meet – or the biggest pains in the butt, and I say that as a 6. I know one other sp 6 and he reminds me of myself, just older and male – we both are hilarious, we both tease people to establish a rapport with them, we both crave feedback and support from trusted others, and we both swing between concern and optimism. But unhealthy, paranoid 6s are out in force right now freaking everyone out about the COVID-19 and the world doesn’t need that. It needs HOPE. So for heaven’s sake, put down the freak-outs, the paranoid accusations, the wild conspiracy theories, and accept that your worst-case scenario projections are just that -- the product of your own scared mind. It may or may not happen, and trust me, 6s, I know damn well that your worst fears usually don’t happen anywhere except in your head.

7s: are enormous fun to go on vacation with, but can be flakes. Lovable ones, but still flakes. They promise more than they can deliver and then avoid you rather than face up to the music when they realize they don’t want to do what they promised. They are hilarious, witty, optimistic, and their enthusiasm is infectious, but sometimes they fail to realize that not everyone wants to be endlessly teased, mocked, or come home to a mountain of stuff followed by a maxed-out credit card bill. Life is not always a joke, sometimes it is serious. And they are inclined not to finish a serious conversation if it in any way makes them uncomfortable or feel like they’re about to confront part of themselves.

8s: I have only known one and… there are things I like about her. Her courage. Her ballsy attitude. This woman made a place for herself in a man’s world, in a time when that was not done. She bulldozed her way to the top. Unfortunately, she never shut off the bulldozer. She has burned bridges behind her, made countless enemies, and gets into foolish personal and legal fights because she refuses to back down from anyone, and will turn anything into an argument. She lost my mother as a friend, because she thought bullying her was a good idea. My mother set up polite boundaries and the 8 trampled them, something my mother does not forgive. Something 8s need to remember – what is fun for you (you consider fighting “bonding”) is not always fun for someone else who is not an 8. Being an 8 is an asset, but only if you learn to tell the difference between a threat and a non-threat.

9s: are some of the most precious people on earth, but also the must frustrating for me, because I see them being mercilessly treated by the rest of the world, which tends to walk all over them. I wind up counseling 9 friends who are frustrated at ‘not being heard’ but cannot find it within themselves to assert themselves in any way, or think they deserve to be heard, or know how to recognize what is NOT okay. Being a 9, a peacemaker, someone able to understand everyone’s point of view, is a valuable gift, but you cannot use it for good if you are incapable of believing you deserve good things, too.

Each Enneagram type has a health level. You can find them at the Enneagram Institute. Figure out which level is ‘you’ and start working toward the next one up, through conscious choices. You don’t have to stay this way. Your life is yours to command.1s, you don’t have to be perfect. 2s, you don’t have to please others. 3s, you don’t have to win every time. 4s, you don’t have to stay in a place of self-loathing. 5s, you don’t have to fear trying things. 6s, you don’t have to be afraid all the time. 7s, you don’t have to run away from everything. 8s, you don’t have to turn every discussion into a fight. 9s, you don’t have to give everyone whatever they want. It’s time to take back your life.

- ENFP Mod

PS: Most of these examples come from my extended family, none of whom follow this blog, so if you’re one of my friends (unless you are the 4) -- I’m not talking about you. ;)

[asmakahf]

SIGNS THAT YOUR LOVE IS NOT LOVE

Problem with pure heart and loyal people is if they fall in love with the wrong person they think its not possible to get out of it.

They think its an insult to stop loving that person.

No doubts here, it pure foolishness to stay in love with a person who doesn't treat you with dignity.

Love is not what you read in novels or watch in movies.

Love is not a complicated concept that only involves heart, feelings and emotions.

Love is as practical as any other thing.

You can get attracted to someone, that person will be on ur mind, you will fantasise life with that person, etc etc. And if that person turns you down, doesn't feel the same way, or becomes evil after a point, you have to be strong enough to let him/her go.

Life is too precious to be wasted on one person who doesn't keep you happy.

Its not love when you start losing respect in your eyes

It's not love when you have to prove something, run after,keep waiting, keep convincing, and keep craving for attention.

Its not love when you are getting desperate, depressed and lonely.

Its not love when you make your life a room where only two people stay and one is never available and one waits endlessly.

Its not love when you start taking everyone else for granted for that one thankless person.

It's not love when you are investing yourself with zero returns from other side.

It's not love when your life which once had so many dimensions becomes one dimensional and loses all colours.

It's not love when he/ she can see you cry,

It's not love when he/she makes you treat him/ her special and doesn't feel the need to do the same with you.

It's not love when you start thinking that your life is so cheap and useless that it can be crushed because of that one person .

Its not love when a human becomes larger than life entity and you become a tiny thing who is not as valuable as that person!

In short love is when everything one gives comes back in realtime in different ways.

Love is when both people make efforts for each other as much as they can

Love is when people close to each side can bear witness that their loved one is with right person. When you don't have to hide things to look like normal couples.

Why do you miss a wrong person? Why do you have feelings when that person is clearly evil?

Thats because you were honest. You have best image of that person imprinted on your mind .

It will take time .

True love can't be forgotten easily because you were real,pure and honest.

It takes time to realise he/she didn't deserve it.

Detach your mind's perfect image of that person you will see reality and feel blessed that you are saved from wasting more Time and feelings.

If you are hungry for 2 days then you won't miss that person, not even your parents or friends or kids, all you would want is food.

So this is stupidity when you say you can't live without someone, and that too someone who has always disappointed you?

You have all the power in you to move forward and move away from people who devalue you.

Sign of a well wisher is spending time with him/her leaves you added not subtracted/drained.

Imagine what should be your state after spending time with lover?

Happy, optimistic and feel like doing something.

Bad lovers make your life all about them.

Right lover makes your life constructive,

Productive and fruitful.

If its pure love to stay loyal as long as you are with that person then its equally pure right thing to move on when that person proves he/she doesn't care/respect you.

One sided love is misunderstood qualities of a person.

One side love is misunderstanding what you need.

One sided love is putting pan on an unlit stove.

Laugh it off and forget.

When you are not meant to be together then one person cant choose to remain a fool deliberately.

One sided love is calling a person with a name that's not his/her.

He/she will never respond.

These things are complicated by ourselves, we don't want to acknowledge reality,

We start finding faults in ourselves.

We start giving more importance to people who dont give us any importance.

That rejection automatically makes you inferior and that person is not even aware of what you are going through!

Usually the most complex one sided love problems arise out of situations involving superficial Attributes(position,looks,age,smile,behaviour,

personality,style, status etc)

That's the reason Islamic values are strong about this.

Not to mingle, hang around, stare at opposite gender.

When you really are looking for life partner choose a sober method, meet at public place with your acquaintances around.

These datings, hanging around, one night stands, waiting for call next morning and living in and spend years waiting for marriage with every chance that he/she might move out one day with someone else.

This has made us halt/paused at one stage of life. These modern concepts have made humans looking for right person all thier life.

Repercussions can be seen in modern Western European nations where successful people are all alone in thier 60s and 70s.

Height of this loneliness is they dont have one person they can call when they are seriously ill!

They have this guardianship law where senior citizens are adopted by force and guardians loot them because the law gives them all the rights over property and assets of senior citizens.

Imagine not having ONE person they can trust, one relative or one friend after living a lifetime in city full of people?

All I want to ask you is

When people today want everything organic,natural, no preservatives and spend millions to stay in greenery and wish to go back in time when everything was pure.

Want to follow lifestyles of elderly and curse modernisation for speeding up global warming

Why, just Why cant we rethink about our lifestyle with respect to opposite gender and sexual relationships?

Why can't we analyse and accept once and for all that casual sex has destroyed generations.

[sector-i-closed]

Our Destiny

Demon au or the second time I've done a demon, au

Tagging @youneedapiratekink​ and @atiny-piratequeen​ seemed to be interested in this au

Warning: Smut

 Loud whimpers dripped from your mouth as your face was smushed against the window that faced the dark street outside. Behind you Hongjoong, the demon who had seduced you into allowing him access to your sex to supposedly give you relief of the pent up tension that he was responsible for was working you up to your third orgasm so far. 

"Mmph nghh~" Your broken whines filled the air as his almost scorching hot fingers filled your entrance, thrusting deeply and creating loud squelching sounds as he penetrated your heat repeatedly. Weakness was overwhelming you, the energy that he was feeding from at your expense was steadily being depleted from you. 

"Look at you, wanting to keep going until I fuck you to death with just my fingers." Hongjoong mused out loud, continuously pressing his free hand against your back to keep you in place in your position in front of the window. Your eyes were focused on the glittering dots of the stars in the night sky, ignoring the cars that were passing in front of your residence. 

The mortification and shyness was long forgotten by the time you had experienced your first orgasm, and now you were too fucked out to care that you were on display for anyone to see with your pants pooling down to your ankles. 

"Gah oh fuck~!" You whined, the oversensitivity getting the better of you but you were almost going to cum all over his fingers again.

 "Oh you're pretending that the people outside are not out there enjoying how good you look while my fingers are pleasuring your pussy, hm?" Hongjoong whispered against your ear, his warm breath against your ear canal almost knocked you down to your knees as your internal sensations overpowered you. 

"Mmm~!" You moaned against the glass, almost wanting to tell him to fuck off about how people might see you but his fingers made you feel too good to say anything and the way his soft lips attached themselves to your neck was welcomed but the possessive nature of how he marked your neck made you reel from the disbelief of how good he felt. You desperately distracted your attention to the moments that led up to this, trying not to think about how painfully sensitive your sex was despite wanting all that he could give you. 

~~

You had felt alone, waiting anxiously in your bedroom for Hongjoong, the demon whom you had befriended in the past years to appear in your room as was the normal ocurrance at night. It had been an emotionally draining day and it had been a much bigger struggle to keep your head up and face the things that forced you to have to be strong for yourself and the people that you dearly loved even though some made you feel as if they didn't care about your feelings but you weren't carrying on with your life for them, it was all for you and the people that you cared for. 

Tonight you felt even more pointless and wished to be wanted or needed by individuals, which was something that you pined for often but wasn't reciprocated by others. You told yourself that you were used to it and the temptation of giving yourself to the demon who had made you feel valuable as a living entity was something that was making you feel weak, clouding your judgment with lust and desire at recalling the sultry words spoken 'I want you. No one else deserves you except me' remembering the way the warmth of his breath fanned against your ear encouraged intense heat and yearning to pool in your pelvis as your heart thumped heavily against your chest.

 But you were not willing to spend an eternity bound to Hongjoong, no matter how much he wanted you so the bonding with him through sex was out of the question and you would learn to suffer with the throbbing between your legs. One lifetime was enough for you to live in your opinion and the thought of living any longer than that was enough to induce a severe migraine to radiate through your skull. A memory flashed through your mind of the dreams that you would have of the demon pleasuring you with heated kisses and unending sessions of him lapping at your heat. 

You shuddered at the memory, unconsciously palming your own heat to find a way to disperse some of the tension that was building there.

 "I see that you have been anticipating my return~" Hongjoong's voice was right next to your ear, sounding rather nonchalant in spite of the way you were touching yourself before you swiftly removed your hand from your sex. 

"Wah... No I mean yes I've been waiting!" You smiled sheepishly as you turned your head and made eye contact with the dark orbs that lured you into an abyss of darkness, whispering to you to give in to your feelings and bind your soul to him forever.

 "I knew you were~ I love how honest you're being with me which is uncharacteristic of you~" The demon chuckled, gracing your back lightly with a touch of his hand, the intense warmth of his skin seeping through your clothing and tantalizing the nerve endings of your skin.

 "Could you not be so irritating?!" You huffed, still feeling anxious as to weather or not Hongjoong had seen you touching yourself. 

"Why are you so tense, my love~?" That same tone that got under your skin was repeated and you had to admit to yourself that you were equal parts nervous, agitated and needy. 

"Why are you like this?" You dramatically waved your hands in the air, causing the demon to smirk at your vagueness. 

"What do you mean by 'this'?" Hongjoong hummed, analyzing your expression and picking up on the aroused energy that your body reeked of.

 "What do you mean!?" You hoped to wriggle out of explaining what you were referring to and he quirked his eyebrows in amusement. 

"Why do you want to make yourself suffer when I could give you the pleasure that you desire right now~?" He smirked, tracing his fingers along your thighs. Your resistance melted away with each caress against your beautiful curves. 

"I don't know what you mean but go ahead?" 

~~

A sudden thrust of his digits jabbed straight against your g spot, distracting your thoughts and prompting you to cry out to the point that you were sure that you were going to spasm right then until Hongjoong pulled his sheathed fingers from your pulsing heat. 

"We both know you're not going to live much longer if I continue to fuck you endlessly because your body is insatiable and you're craving my cock to bond you to me. You've been fighting our destiny, and you don't have to." The demon purred, dipping his hot fingers into your mouth so that you could taste your own sweetness on his fingers. 

Your mouth readily accepted the digits that were inserted into your mouth and you moaned in delight, feeling more aroused by the act of tasting the sticky essence that dripped from your heat.

 "I can save you from dying right now or we can stretch this process out until you're so weak that you're begging me to fuck your lifeless body. What will it be, kitten?" Hongjoong smirked against your ear, removing his fingers from your mouth so that you could give him an answer. 

You whimpered at the loss of being filled and you were now afraid, what had you gotten yourself into? This was only supposed to be temporary, gaining relief of the desire inside of you but after the demon laid his hands on you things didn't work out as planned, your body craving more and more as he depleted the energy that you expelled.

 "There's no going back once we've started, baby." Hongjoong murmured, boldly bringing your hand down to his crotch so that you could feel what you were denying yourself of. Your heat clenched lustfully as you palmed his hard length, the twitches reminding you of how needy you were between your legs. 

Living for eternity didn't seem so bad at the present moment and you wanted to be satisfied as deeply as his length had potential to satisfy you and what was the point of dying when he could make you feel like he had given you the universe.

 "Please Hongjoong, I want your cock..." You pleaded desperately, your body trembling from the loss of strength that you were experiencing.

 "Such a good girl, telling me what she wants. I can't believe that you're not being as stubborn as I had thought you would be." The demon moved himself away from your body so that he could unfasten his pants. 

"Stay there, precious." He ordered, "I want everyone to see what's mine and see how I go about making you mine forever." 

You groaned lowly, feeling your arousal seep along your inner thighs as he slipped his member between your folds, guiding his warm length inside of your throbbing heat until he was stretching your channel to accommodate his girth. 

"Fuck..." You moaned, taking pleasure in how snug your heat fit around his cock.

 "You're so tight baby, this pussy was destined to become mine wasn't it~?" He rocked his hips into your body, thrusting briskly into your heat and pleasing you even more than when he had filled you with his fingers. 

"Oh god~..." You choked out, his pace becoming faster and quickly building back the pleasure that you had nearly experienced earlier. 

"I'm -I'm~..." You gasped, followed by a shrill scream that vibrated the glass window as Hongjoong tightened a hand around your throat while you felt your climax crash through your body unexpectedly without time to warn Hongjoong that his constant assault had tipped you over the edge.

 "So soon baby? I thought sure you would have taken your time but we have forever to do that." Hongjoong panted briskly, pinning your body harder against the window as he released his hot come inside of you.

 You almost screamed at the intense heat that spread through your pelvis, his release manipulating your cells to morph into a supernatural being like himself and changing everything about how your body was chemically structured until you became a demon like himself. 

"Wha-what's h-happening to me!!" You groaned at the heated tingles that circulated through your body, enduring the transformation.

 "You're doing so well, princess~ We really are for each other." Hongjoong commented in a sultry whisper, stroking your back proudly as he kept his length inside of you to make certain that your body absorbed every drop of his release. 

"This is our destiny. You're my precious treasure forever." 

[thesinglesjukebox]

WEYES BLOOD - MOVIES

[7.67]

Certified fresh...

Ian Mathers: Sometimes you've been hearing about an artist for a while, maybe even years; never a friend recommending them to you directly, maybe, but enough free-floating praise that there's a nagging feeling you should probably check them out (if one of those moments hits you at just the wrong turn and/or you're naturally stubborn, this feeling might even be part of why you haven't gotten around to it yet). And of course every year even if you listen to hundreds of new song and albums there are people you won't get to, and some of them you never will and that's fine, even if in some other time and place they might have changed your life just as profoundly and joyfully as some of the stuff you did happen to have time for has changed your life. Some you never will; and some, maybe, you'll hear just one song, maybe through a group writing effort that you love and keep up with partly precisely because you think getting exposed to things you might not have wandered into yourself is valuable, and that sudden moment of discovery is one of the best feelings in the world to you, and you have to excuse yourself from the room (literally or figuratively) because you now have to run home and listen to everything else that artist has made because you need to see whether any of it hits you as intensely as this song does. [10]

Thomas Inskeep: I fucking love this. I love the way it opens like something from a mid-1980s episode of Hearts of Space, I love the Kronos Quartet-esque string breakdown, I love Natalie Mering's vocals, which sound to me like a sweeter Aimee Mann, and I love the way it eventually ascends into heaven like Cristal Connors at the end of "Goddess." A highlight from Weyes Blood's fourth album, Titanic Rising, this is damned near perfection. [10]

Alfred Soto: I can't deny the essential camp of "Movies" -- an act that flirts with the tonal commitment of Weyes Blood courts ridicule when this unwavering vocal combines with the synthed-up arpeggio. Then the "real" strings frame Natalie Mering. Evoking Bryan Ferry in his deluxe and delightful condo of glass in "In Every Dream Home a Heartache," Mering catches the light from the klieg lights, astonished to be caught playing a part as all good actresses are. Lana Del Rey would know. [7]

Joshua Copperman: This song is a lot funnier if you imagine Weyes Blood is just extremely hyped for a movie like Avengers: Endgame. Obviously, she's not talking about the Marvel Cinematic Universe, she's talking about the classic definition (despite the weird line about a "box office hit"), though the song feels about as long as Infinity War. It's hard to shake the feeling that if I wanted to listen to No Shape, I would listen to No Shape - there's the same dense soundscape, but none of the tight songwriting that defined Mike Hadreas's masterpiece. "Movies" just meanders, breaks into Owen Pallett territory, then meanders a bit more forcefully. Still, sub-No Shape is still above most other records, and "The meaning of life doesn't seem to shine like that screen" is a killer line. It doesn't need to be as life-affirming as No Shape; pretty things can just be pretty. [7]

Tim de Reuse: "The meaning of life doesn't seem to shine like that screen," and yet there's never a desire expressed to break away from a cinematic life; a subject so holy that the word "movies" itself belongs over a Plagal cadence, like it's the end of a prayer. It's poignant in that dreaming-of-the-impossible way, and so the tonal shift into a rousing, triumphant second half doesn't click with me; after the absolutely killer line where we imagine "making love to a counterfeit," a totally straightforward expression of desire is too uncomplicated to cap things off in a satisfying way. My conflicting feelings here aren't helped by the presentation: lush, engaging harmonies that float in a sea of uninspired reverb. It grabs the attention, it shows off with confidence, it's got a gorgeous outer shell -- but its emotional hooks are awkward and imprecise. [6]

Will Adams: I consider myself the hard opposite of a film buff -- maybe three trips to the theater a year at most -- so maybe that's why "Movies" doesn't resonate with me as much as I know it could. Art about art is always an admirable concept, though, and even a non-movie-lover could be won over by the artful arpeggios and Natalie Mering's impassioned vocal. [6]

Katherine St Asaph: A track of awe and melodrama and noir-palette kisses. The arrangement is sumptuous and yearning, the midpoint of the world-cracking-open Trio Bulgarka parts of "Deeper Understanding" and the moody pulse of a late-career Sandra song, with a frantic dream ballet post-chorus. The vocalist, however, evokes Lana Del Rey's worst qualities: the starchy tone, the over-quavery vibrato, the meandering drawl. I guess this vocal tone signifies as dramatic to people these days, but to me it sounds like a low, bored yawn over a topic that deserves opera, or at least Sundfør. Like the most heartbreaking film viewed via the grainiest YouTube bootleg. [6]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: The two-thirds of "Movies" is transfixing and transfixed -- over a synth figure that oscillates endlessly, Weyes Blood declares her love for the movies. Her lyrics, performed low and ambivalent, toe the line between the banal and the profound, often emerging as both at once. It's an optical illusion of a song, one that feels different moment-to-moment even as it sounds the same. But in the last two minutes of "Movies," as a violin loop and some glorious drums come in, the experience is entirely different, and even more compelling. It's a transcendent climax, full of motion, that works only because of the stasis of the song's first half. [8]

William John: In high school, one of the many hats I wore was "enthusiastic, but very unaccomplished violinist." I sat in the back row of the orchestra's string section, never miming, exactly, but not playing loudly, out of fear from being noticed for being the one slightly out of tune or time. I'm not sure I've picked up a violin once since high school finished -- the passion burned out fast -- but one particular moment associated with it sticks out in my memory: in my final year, at the school's largest annual concert, the symphony orchestra performed the first movement of Mendelssohn's violin concerto in E minor. I remember the enormous stage and its glossy floorboards, feeling hot in a shirt under white floodlights with clammy palms, the drama of placing the bow on the string. Most of all, I remember the soloist, and how she would saw at her instrument, her fingers frolicking madly across its neck through endless arpeggios and harmonics. During the piece's longest solo, I sat, enthralled, as she hurtled gloriously towards a figurative precipice, before an acquiescence to the crevasse of the rest of the orchestra and the piece's huge, loud finale. I remember the raucous reaction at the conclusion from the audience, who were as struck dumb by the beauty of the music as the spectacle itself. The relevance of this to Weyes Blood, and "Movies"? Not only does the startling interruption of the strings at the midpoint of "Movies" remind me very specifically of a motif in that Mendelssohn work, but the song celebrates the distinct pleasures of both watching something grand and melodramatic unfold in front of you, and of the majesty of self-actualisation. "Put me in a movie and everyone will know me", sings Natalie Mering; "I wanna be in my own movie." Some of us will find that metaphorical starring role commandeering a group of musicians as they together conjure an avalanche of sound. Others will wait patiently in the background of that occasion, spurred on by the hope that their personal moment of destiny will eventually arrive. [9]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[ahopefuldoubt]

somehow-you-will had asked: Aw yeah! *rubs hands together* First of all, The Prince of Egypt?

Send me a fandom and I’ll tell you...

the first character i ever fell in love with: Aaron — The well scene did a lot for me in terms of just seeing both his vulnerability and strength: specifically the way he uses himself as a shield to protect a family member, from another family member.  Moses is someone Miriam believed in, whose return she’d been looking forward to, and for Aaron to be unsure of it all, and then to watch, rather powerlessly, as this semi-mythical brother-prince throws her to the ground…  I have such a love-hate relationship with this scene.  It’s emotionally exhausting — the three of them interacting like this — but it’s also the moment Aaron became my favorite character.  (And it’s one of the reasons why my feelings towards Moses were ambivalent for a long time.  I feel for his confusion, but what he does to Miriam here makes me twitch.) I still identify with Aaron the most: his anxiousness, his reaction and approach to the reunion with Moses, his relationship with God.  He’s a compassionate person — so aware of the power structures in place yet still so inclined to protect and do for others — and I admire that about him.  I love that he’s the one who takes those first steps into the Red Sea (with that slightly dorky, lopsided little smile).  I’ve always found his journey the most powerful.

a character that i used to love/like, but now do not: none

a ship that i used to love/like, but now do not: none

my ultimate favorite character™: Aaron ♥ — I’m not exactly shy about how much I love him :)

prettiest character: Oh, Miriam and Yocheved for sure~!

my most hated character: Seti (shit parent to both sons, shit human being)

my OTP: none

my NOTP: Moses/Rameses, because it’s incest

favorite episode:

saddest death: Well, the movie opens with infanticide, but there’s also Yocheved’s off-screen death… (Everything hurts, nothing’s okay :\)

favorite season:

least favorite season:

character that everyone else in the fandom loves, but i hate: Rameses — Intellectually, I know the movie wants me to feel sympathy for him, and “hate” might be too vague a word.  The film gives him layers, such as the pressure he feels to live up to (to eclipse because he’s the morning star) his father’s legacy, but I feel those layers actually reveal/emphasize the fact that he makes some pretty dang awful decisions.  Rameses doesn’t see the Hebrew people as people, which is terrible enough but also implies that he doesn’t see Moses either… doesn’t accept or love him as unconditionally as the fandom seems to think he does.  That he is wrong — that his father was wrong — never enters his realm of understanding, and that kind of blindness frightens and angers me.

my ‘you’re piece of trash super disappointing omg why, but you’re still a fave’ fave a complicated character i will endlessly debate about: Tuya — I won’t call her a “piece of trash.”  It’s more that I’m frustrated with her for lying to Moses, and that that pain feels sharper because I love her: She’s caring, comforting, and such a(n adoptive) mom, with all her flaws.  It’s clear that she loved her son, and that’s why I wanted her to do better.  (Seti and) Tuya’s erasure of Moses’ identity/culture/family is neglect.  It’s not okay when it happens in real life, and in this story it’s particularly gross due to the massive power imbalance between the Egyptians and Hebrews.  I don’t think she’s doing a revolutionary or subversive thing by raising a Hebrew child.  [2019 note] At this point, it’s hard for me to say that I love Tuya unequivocally (the operative word being “unequivocally”).

my ‘beautiful cinnamon roll who deserves better than this’ fave: (I’m not a fan of the “cinnamon roll" meme, in general.)  Anyway, my answer is Miriam, Aaron, and Moses.  This is certainly true in a story sense, but the way they’re treated (ignored, misread, to varying extents/depending on the character) by viewers and the fandom is…. weird, too, to say the least.  (Also I’m going to write about them not in the (birth) order I just listed them…)

Moses gets cast as Rameses’ bully; it’s rare to find a review that doesn’t say or suggest that Moses betrays Rameses.  However, and for one thing, adoptees don’t owe their families their undying loyalty.  And Moses’ goal, his desire, is to liberate people from actual slavery/oppression.  That’s not ignoble.  That’s not something he does to Rameses or to get him into trouble.  I imagine it’s upsetting, it’s difficult, for Moses to learn that it’s his brother who’s been working the Hebrews (including his biological siblings) to the bone in order to build “a greater Egypt than that of [his] father,” and to watch that brother repeat the mistakes of the past.

Miriam may receive respect, but she seems to suffer because she’s not an acceptable Strong Female Character (a label that’s limiting and limited in itself).  Her admirable qualities of compassion and moral strength only go so far (“It’s lovely that she’s so kind, but she’s too kind to really be ‘strong’”), and that’s incredibly frustrating because these are such amazing, potent, and hard-to-cultivate-and-maintain traits, which she uses to, well, move mountains.  Furthermore, any notion that she “ruins” Moses’ carefree life with Rameses/his adoptive family by telling Moses about his identity is just totally off the mark.  That information was his adoptive parents’ to tell, and they failed to do that for him.

…I still don’t know what to make of the consensus out there that Aaron is a jerk or a coward, and/or that he doesn’t add anything to the story.  (I have far more stuff in my head and heart than I can put into words.)  People seem to take the mud pit scene as the sum total of his character, or they characterize him as a misanthrope, to the point of being constantly belligerent, because he represents doubt (it doesn’t work that way, not in Aaron’s case, not to that extreme — and on a related note, Miriam and Aaron’s dynamic doesn’t work that way).  His compassion and courage get completely overlooked.  It’s… odd… to me that when Moses, Rameses, Tzipporah, Miriam, etc. express things like anger, fear, and doubt, they’re not defined by these emotions, yet when Aaron expresses anger/fear/doubt, he’s often reduced to them, is lifted out of the story and his family.  Why do Rameses’ insecurities garner sympathy, while Aaron’s worries get met with indifference?  Is Aaron inferior because he doesn’t follow the standards of his gender?  Does he need to be more like anyone else, or anything less than himself, in order to be considered valid or valuable?

my ‘this ship is wrong, nasty, and makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it’ ship: none

my ‘they’re kind of cute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested’ ship: none

Originally from 2017.

[thewayofthisworld-blog1]

People Pleasing

Oh a real interesting topic...

Its a beautiful quality.

People can take advantage of it and then...well it hurts so bad. Its heart breaking. It kills you. Its worse than you can ever imagine if you havent experienced the dark side of it yet.

People tell you to just stick up to someone, "put yourself first", "dont care about what they say", "who cares if they are mad", "its not your problem".

Oh its sooo much easier said than done.

I want to tell you what I learned. How I changed after this.

"Everything will turn out perfectly fine" it really will! I can promise you that. I doubted it too, but darling the most unexpected things happen and it changes EVERYTHING. Thats why you should trust God and his timing.

1. I have such a beautiful relationship with myself now

I am so much stronger now. I believe in myself. I have self confidence like never before. I know my WORTH! I am enough. I have so much respect for myself now.

But, it didnt come that easy. After i experienced terrible emotional bullying and people pleasing, i forget who i am. Pretending to like things and being someone else to keep someone happy?!! It makes you forget who you are. It does.

But that is how you learn even more about yourself. You get more and more wise. I had to pick myself up, find myself, find THE LORD again!! It took time. Things turned out wonderfully. Thats why I have a great relationship with myself. I know who I am now! More than before people pleasing!

Now dont get me wrong, I am not rude to everyone else, I am not cocky and i dont care about others anymore!

I realized what I can control and what not. I am still as soft as always, but i know my limits now.

2. I learned that you are sooo important and so much worth.

You are STRONG! You are so loved!

I realized that I deserve the best. We all do.

Stand tall! Shoulders back! Head up! Put your hands by your sides and not in front of you!

Self love isnt selfish, its important. In fact, you DESERVE self love! You really really do.

If you are struggling to love yourself, try and try. That is an achievement on its own!

I tried to hurt myself once. Promise me you will never ever do that. NEVER hurt yourself. Please. No matter what. DO NOT hurt yourself. You dont deserve it! If you are hurting yourself. Please please stop. Try your best. You DONT DESERVE IT! You are so beautiful. God loves you endlessly. You deserve more than you can imagine.

Love yourself, for yourself ♡

3. I learned to forgive...for myself.

When it was over it kept haunting me everyday. It scared me.

Forgive them. You deserve it! Dont let something they did break you down, keep you insecure, create doubts and make you cry.

Forgive them and let it go. Thank them for the experience. You dont have to go up to them and tell them that. Forgive them in your heart.

Forgiveness is not approving their behaviour and that they chose to hurt you. Forgiveness is about letting go and preventing their behaviour to break your heart.

Why?

Again. You deserve to be relieved from the pain.

You can forgive them! Because you are stronger than you believe!

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Forgiveness is not approving what happened. Its deciding to rise above it.

4. Inner peace.

After fighting for myself, finding myself and forgiving, i found inner peace.

YOU deserve inner peace.

Inner peace is the most valuable and greatest treasure that you can discover.

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or events to control your emotions.

.........

Be the love you never recieved

Be the person you always needed

She is at a place in her life where peace is her priority and negativity cannot excist.

[acollectionofdifferentthings]

Recognise your worth

Don’t settle for something or someone who does not deserve you and all that you are, don’t surround yourself with people who do not see and want the best for you. Surround yourself with people who you can endlessly learn from and you can endlessly teach. Create bonds with people where you are in mutualism together, something where you both benefit from being with each other and it only pushes you both forwards. Be conscious of who you are as a person and don’t overhype yourself where you become up yourself and entitled but don’t under hype yourself either. Find a balance inside of who you are where you know your strengths and weaknesses and keep putting effort aside to work on the places that are not up to your own personal standard of competence. Settling for somebody who is not good for you, who does not hold you up but actually pushes you down, is going to mean that you are wasting your life and you are making it infinitely harder for yourself to be happy and find purpose. Know how special you are, know how much you deserve, know how much you are worth and don’t ever let somebody tell you otherwise. Don’t let yourself be treated like dirt and work to find strength to be able to be confident and stand up for yourself when you see things you don’t like and see things that are happening that are not right. The more that you settle for friends, jobs and relationships that do not deserve you, you end up teaching yourself to think that this is exactly what you deserve and in doing this it means that this low level of effort back is all you will ever receive. Do not drain your own life force just to settle down with somebody who is not suited for you; don’t destroy your life just so you can possibly help somebody who does not even want to see you succeed. These people who do not deserve you do not care for you as they should, they will often be parasitic towards you without even realising it and they will eventually leave you to rot away in life as that is exactly what they are doing to themselves. These people are not always trying to bring you down though, they are not purposely trying to be a burden but some people are just not suited for others and realising that you need to find someone who is on a similar level and a similar wavelength does not mean that you are better than other people just that certain people are better suited to you. You will not be able to work out with everyone; standards are always going to be different but don’t build yourself up in life just so someone else can come along, dismantle you and leave you broken inside. If you are not able to work through the confidence problems that you have with yourself and if you are not able to recognise your own worth in life then how is somebody else going to be able to see all that you are when you don’t even show that side to yourself? You need to be the first person who is able to accept you for who you are and realise how valuable you are to yourself and also to other people in life. You need to learn to love yourself first and then learn to love other people, you don’t want somebody to be pulling you down to their level in life but you also do not want to do that same thing to somebody else. Be content with who you are and confident in what you can bring to the table in life.

[loveisaviolence2]

rose- 2, 3, 4, 10, 20, 25, 37, 41, 44, 45

meme.

what is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

it’s … complicated, for a lot of reasons. 

one being rose and janine are a lot alike in the sense that neither of them are good at starting heavy conversations or working towards closeness regardless of how much they both may want it. in fact, they’re painfully similar in a lot of their beliefs and while that does lend itself to an understanding between them that rose is grateful for and endlessly appreciative of, it can also strain their relationship. 

rose spent her entire life feeling abandoned by her mother. her mother existed to criticize her and as yet another reminder of what she could not have and was not allowed to want for herself: someone to take care of her. nothing was ever good enough for her, rose was never good enough for her, and nothing rose did was going to make her love her or be proud of her. despite all of this, she wanted to be her mother; she really did admire her skill and reputation and aspire to be like her. she did everything she could to follow in her mother’s footsteps for two reasons: 1) even though she resented her, she really really wanted her mom to be proud of her and thought that if she was good enough she might bother to pretend to care, and 2) her mom’s loyalty to the guardians and stellar reputation made her safe - earned her stability that rose believed no one could take away. she’s a valuable asset and everyone knows it. she doesn’t need to prove it anymore (and rose always always feels like she has to prove herself, which is exhausting in the long run.) 

rose wants a close relationship with janine but doesn’t know how to be close with her. she wants to wake up and suddenly have this magical bond with her but doesn’t know how to achieve it. and tbh, as brash and impulsive as rose can be, as quick as she can be to say the things other people won’t…. this doesn’t typically extend to her loved ones. rose hates conflict with them and would rather bury her feelings than voice them. she’s never going to willingly start a conversation about being neglected or abandoned by janine even though those feelings still affect her on a daily basis and manifest themselves in her relationships. 

it doesn’t help that janine has frequently – intentionally or not – equated rose’s resentment with a childish desire to be ~coddled and thus invalidated her feelings. like, telling your kid who is terrified of being vulnerable and letting other people take care of her that her anger at your negligence is silly and a display of weakness and selfishness? especially a kid who believes you are a pillar of strength? rose has spent her entire life thinking that she has to come second to other people, physically and emotionally, and that confirmed it. unfortunately, janine of course holds all of the same harmful beliefs and has been conditioned in the same way, so she doesn’t have the perspective to see this let alone address it. 

she loves her mom. she really does. so much that it doesn’t really bother her if her mom can’t articulate her affection to the same extent that rose can. she’s just glad to have her in her life, you know? she doesn’t want to rock the boat. she’d die for her and is dying to have a relationship with her, even at the cost of denying herself the space to process her own feelings and acknowledge them, which is especially difficult because rose is at a point in her life where she’s finally beginning to understand that she needs and deserves to take care of herself and untangle the mess of beliefs that were ingrained in her since birth, decide for herself what she does and does not believe, process the extent to which that conditioning has shaped the person she is and decide who she wants to be. 

this is something she needs to deal with to move forward, to start feeling safe in her relationships and safe leaning on someone else emotionally, and she’s… not. she’s growing, really moving forward and edging closer to a healthier, better version of herself, but on this road she finds herself at a painful standstill. it’ll take janine or someone else helping her deal with this to really get past all of her messy abandonment issues and harmful beliefs about love and worth, especially self worth. 

what is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

also complicated, but in a different way. 

because of rose’s low expectations for well off moroi men, she’s less inclined to hold him accountable for much. it’s not really fair that she holds janine to a standard that’s so much higher, but… so does the society she grew up in lmao. she doesn’t resent him for not being a presence in her life growing up and is willing to cut him a lot more slack. like, he’s a moroi guy and that’s what they do, ya know? they use dhampir women for sex and leave and that’s how the song goes. the fact that he’s in her life at all is a surprise and one she’s not going to question. she’ll accept whatever he’s willing to offer her and isn’t likely to ever consider whether or not she deserves more.  

the fact that she grew up thinking her dad never cared about her or her mother and only used her for sex did play a hand in her perception of men, though. thinking that her mom had been used made her afraid of being used herself and thus, v guarded where moroi men are concerned. she def… bought into the whole ~~~boys will be boys mentality growing up. bad behavior is to be expected and it was on her to protect herself and her reputation from it. and if she or any other woman failed in that task, well… it was on them. they should’ve known better. etc. boys excersizing self control and giving a damn about her and her consent is New to her. this is something she gets a lot better about as she ages, though, thankfully. 

she grows to love him and want some kind of a relationship with him, but she doesn’t really trust him. a lot of his privilege and the way he wields it makes her uncomfortable, so most of the time she tries not to think about who he is or what he does beyond the scope of him being her dad. rose wants to have that – wants a father – and is far too moral and committed to justice to really allow herself to have that in good conscience if she thinks about his shadier dealings so she .. doesn’t if she can help it. 

people like to compare her ~badassness to her father and she laughs it off, eager to encourage all conversations that play up her strengths, but she really doesn’t have any desire to be like him. the thought of being like him makes her uncomfortable and she isn’t necessarily fond of recognizing traits of his in herself. rose is also incredibly smart and can be impressively cunning, but that’s not something she’s really proud of, you know? she wants to be good – really, truly good. she spent her entire life wanting to be a guardian for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she truly does believe in protecting people and defeating evil. she talks a lot about wanting to be a legend and be in history books, but that all stems from an innate need to feel she’s been useful and accomplished whatever good she could (and also because she lives in a society that has expressed a dangerous lack of care for her or her well-being and a willingness to sacrifice her and once upon a time, achieving ‘legend’ status felt like procuring herself some degree of safety.) victories mean nothing if she’s had to compromise her character to attain them. she doesn’t want to think of herself as a person who cuts corners or steps over other people to get what she wants– or as someone who inspires the kind of fear that abe inspires, as much as she might pretend to feel differently.  

she and abe differ A Lot ideologically and clash over that if it comes up, but again, rose tries to stay away from those conversations. deep down tho, she’ll always feel…. kind of wary of him? knowing what he’s capable of and willing to do and how, if pushed, people like her would likely be expendable and the only reason she’s ~safe from that mentality is because she’s his daughter, which doesn’t really feel like safety at all. she may grow closer with him as time goes on, but that’ll always be in the back of her mind and she’ll never truly feel safe with him unless she’s blocked it out entirely (and rose can never feel safe in fantasies for very long.) this extends to other moroi men as well, especially royal/privileged ones. 

adrian, for example. part of why it was so hard for her to accept that he genuinely had feelings for her and trust him enough to contemplate the idea of being interested in him romantically was because she saw his interest in her and elevation of her feelings as something really… fickle?? she equated his respect for her with his romantic interest. rose grew up attending parties she knew she was only allowed into because of lissa and because she was ~the Fun Dhampir people liked to party with and she assumed adrian’s crush on her was kind of the same thing. like, yeah adrian cares about her and maybe respects her but only because he thinks she’s hot and funny and those things can’t be trusted to last. she thought that all it would take is for him to change his mind about her to turn on her and be like every other piece of shit moroi dude she’s had to defend herself against. she’s used to elite moroi deciding she has one or two qualities that make her worthy of respect and is Special Enough to Not Assault or Dehumanize or Slutshame Etc. – and used to the game changing as soon as she steps too far out of line (it’s not even just moroi men tho like lissa was all that stood between her and being thrown away like a piece of trash when they were dragged back to st. vlads and rose forgives but she doesn’t forget. one more reminder that she’s expendable and has to work even harder to prove that she’s worthy– of being a guardian, of basic respect, of being a privileged moroi girl’s friend, of taking up space). it’s a testament of her growth that she does date him even after the queen herself fucking called her in to slutshame her and remind her of her place. 

another example is andre. i headcanon that rose had a crush on him for a brief period of time growing up, one that he probably knew about and encouraged because–ya know, his sister’s Young Fun Hot Dhampir friend that was always around. rose wasn’t at all surprised to hear about how he treated mia, and i think the fact that rose was very aware of who he was/could be to non-royals/dhampir women probably contributed to some anxiety when she’d stay with them. she was very quick to shut down any kind of attraction between them and never would have even humored the idea of dating him or participating in anything more than a few drunken kisses because 1) she knows her place as a dhampir girl and the threat moroi boys pose to her and 2) she knows her place as a dhampir girl that’s been taken in by a royal moroi family and would have never dared threaten that arrangement by implying a moroi boy could be interested in her for anything other than sex. it says a lot that she still thought he was a good person and mourned him just because he was a good brother to lissa and loved her and his family even though he treated other less privileged people like trash. that rose’s basic understanding of men is that they are capable of that behavior whilst simultaneously being decent people who deserve a quality of life that she herself is taught to never expect to have and accused of being selfish or naive for wanting. 

christian only escapes this inherent distrust because bc he was taught to respect ALL women unlike most of the men she’s come into contact with and does consistently (rather than being someone who respects only women he calls family or for whatever reason deems worthy of respect), because she understands that that really does make all of the difference in the world) and has no interest in her sexually, but it still takes her awhile to feel comfortable truly relying on him emotionally (as opposed to as a partner in the battlefield.) not that that doesn’t take awhile too though, because a man respecting lissa– a princess–doesn’t in any way mean that respect will extend to her and she’s learned that lesson the hard way quite a few times in quite a few different areas of her life. 

to an extent, this is why she falls so quickly and deeply for dimitri– why even his smallest shows of decency feel so Big to her. the fact that he’s a dhampir like her is big, especially one that’s older. it’s easier for her to relate to an older man because she carries more responsibility than most of the boys her age, of course, but a lot of it is that he’s the first man in a position of power (and first person in authority in… forever that’s ever made her feel like she could trust them, all of her experiences w/ adults are pretty trash in book 1) that’s demonstrated kindness and respect where she’s concerned. that saw her as important, that believed she wasn’t disposable. he was willing to take responsibility for her so that she wouldn’t be sen away and saw potential in her when no one else did and that meant so much to her. to her that was this huge act of compassion that she needed to earn and repay. 

all moroi males are in a position of power over her to an extent, even the ones that her peers, and one of her first big interactions w/ dimitri is him telling her that she can’t fool around with moroi boys because they’ll take advantage of her and damage her reputation– and the way he says it is rly brutal and hurtful, but it also… makes her feel somewhat In Control? however misleading that feeling is. like she’s spent her whole life finding her way into their good graces, understanding how quickly the rug could be torn out from under her, and this man she’s coming to respect is telling her that by growing up and acting more responsibly she can be Safe like him. she can have the reputation he has and the sense of stability she’s so sure at that point comes along with it. she too can be respected, worthy. i mean, he’s referred to as a fucking god. he’s untouchable in her eyes (wouldn’t it be so nice to be untouchable? to be universally respected as a hum– vampire being?)

and he’s all hers!!!! like, this relationship, however isolating, is the first thing rose has ever had that’s entirely hers (until it’s not), and that’s so important to her as a person who is not supposed to want things. as a person who is not even supposed to feel bitter about the fact that she can’t want or have things for herself, who had only lissa and lissa’s parents and lissa’s brother and everything lissa was willing to give her. 

anyway i’ve gone off on about a million tangents but so many of rose’s issues are tied into her relationships or non-relationships with men and i do think that the fact that she essentially raised herself is one of the biggest reasons that she was so drawn to dimitri– a man in a position of authority that she’s supposed to be able to trust who is meant to care for her and guide her in a way that is similar to that of a parent.  

has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? if so, does anyone else know?

spokane would be the most obvious answer to this question. it really forced her to grow up in a lot of ways and gave her a darker view of the world. i could go on and on about this but i think it would be just as effective to say it…. fucked her up. it aged her and still weighs on her to this day and always will. on the flip side, it also created a distance between her and a lot of the beliefs she grew up with– like moroi fighting with dhampirs/using magic offensively, for example. she liked both ideas in theory, but it wasn’t until spokane that she truly began to believe in them and believe that they could actually work. people know about spokane, but only those who were there really understand what they all went through. it’s something that bonds all of them. rose will always feel especially protective of and connected to eddie, christian, and mia because of this; they’re her responsibility, hers to protect. 

everything w/ strigoi!dimitri honestly really stuck with rose, too, and barring lissa (and dimitri obviously), no one really knows the specifics of what went down in russia. abe knows the extent of her physical injuries, but not her emotional ones or where the physical ones came from. all of it just… really scarred her. she’s still trying to cope with all of the trauma she went through, which is really difficult for her considering she’s in a relationship with the biggest trigger of all (dimitri) and consistently prioritizes his recovery over her own. on a less horribly depressing note, fighting with denis (was his name denis? whatever his name was) and that group of dhampirs made her reevaluate some things. she still believes that fighting with guardians and being a part of a group is the better thing to do, but it made her more open to different forms of protection and helped her realize that there may be better ways to do things. that there are other walks of life and she’s not necessarily bound to this one. 

being falsely accused of murder lmao!!!!!! everyone knows about it, but not necessarily about how much it affected her emotionally. it really just… confirmed to her how expendable she is to her people and that really fucking hurt. she really had to come to terms with the fact that the guardians she grew up wanting to be apart of and the moroi she grew up training to protect and die for would throw her away without batting an eye and that was… so difficult for her. in a way it’s helped her grow and really challenge a lot of the beliefs she grew up with, though, so that was good? it’s just… hard to live with especially considering she chooses to stay despite it. also just… the trauma of being locked up and kept in solitary for weeks lololol. rose was claustrophobic before but it’s worse now. 

killing victor is pretty self explanatory but yeah. no one knows except the ppl that were there and now bellamy but eventually other people will maybe hopefully possibly!

there are definitely other ones but i’m gonna stop there bc this is already so long. 

does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

it really depends on the situation. rose is confident and likes showing off her body, but…. is too used to being punished and shamed for embracing her sexuality to really feel comfortable doing that the way she did at sixteen. it’s just… safer to dress more modestly and after russia she’s much more conservative because for the longest time she associates dressing provocatively with the weeks she spent essentially drugged dressing up for strigoi!dimitri and being fed from by him. she’s been taught over time that to be respected and protect her reputation, she needs to dress responsibility. she feels more vulnerable when she shows more skin, especially in public with moroi. she used to be able to wear whatever she liked confidently without caring what anyone else thought or feeling weird about it, but she’s been slutshamed and oversexualized so many times now that it makes her feel like a piece of meat. there’s definitely a correlation between how comfortable she feels dressing less conservatively and how secure in her position in society she feels. if she’s going to go out with friends to an establishment less frequented by royals where she’s less likely to be objectified, she’ll wear more showy stuff that flatters her figure– which she enjoys flaunting when she feels safe to do so. she doesn’t have any reservations @ christian’s; she wears whatever she wants there n dresses comfortably. 

in what ways does your character compare themselves to others? do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

self-criticism, usually, though people who don’t really know her might believe differently because of her ~queen b reputation and bravado. she has a really bad habit of comparing herself to the people she thinks the most highly of – her mom, lissa, dimitri. while rose is plenty confident in her craft and will go and on about being a badass, she’s not as confident in other areas of her life and judges herself pretty harshly. she envies lissa’s level head, her compassion (underestimating her own kindness), how reasonable she and dimitri are (because she doesn’t really understand how much effort lissa has to put into being nice and polite and that she’s been conditioned to behave that way the same way rose has been conditioned to die for moroi without a second thought), how easily lissa excels in more intellectual subjects… i could go on and on. she’s really hard on herself, especially when she sees in others what she feels she lacks in herself. 

how quick is your character to suspect someone else? does this change if they are close with that person?

she can be pretty guarded and slow to trust people despite the fact that she really does have a huge heart. she trusts lissa more than anyone else in the world and for a really long time is content to trust only lissa– but when she trusts you, loves you, she really trusts and loves you. she’ll do anything for you and can be blinded by the extent of her devotion. 

is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

honor, absolutely. she’ll blow up the ground she stands on if she feels it’ll right a wrong. 

does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

earn all the way. it doesn’t mean anything if she doesn’t earn it– if she doesn’t deserve it. and if she doesn’t earn it, doesn’t deserve it, she can’t trust that she’ll get to keep it. this goes for her relationships, too. she needs to feel like she’s doing her fair share. on the flip side, it’s really hard for her to accept something she feels she’s earned being ripped away from her. 

how easy or difficult is it for your character to say “i love you?” can they say it without meaning it?

the words themselves aren’t hard for her to say, but it’s hard for her to feel safe enough with someone to open herself up to being vulnerable with them. it takes awhile for her to realize what is and isn’t accepted in a relationship and what boundaries she needs to be wary of (because she’s grown up being taught that if she’s not careful and steps too far out of line she can have everything taken away from her.) once she does, though, she’s very generous with her affection. she’s very loving, much more loving than she gives herself credit for, and really respects people who she feels are very giving of themselves and their love (like lissa). for the longest time, lissa was the only person she ever heard i love you from– to an extent, she learned how to love from lissa. lissa was always so open with her love, could just beam love at her and it saved her in so many ways. 

rose is capable of leading people on to get what she wants, especially when desperate, but she doesn’t like to. she feels guilty about how she treated mason and adrian in that respect and wouldn’t want to repeat that behavior in the future. on that note, i really do believe that she loved adrian and never lied to him or intentionally led him on their deal at the end of shadowkiss aside– she should have been more open with him, yeah, but at that point in time she had a hard enough time articulating what was going on in her own head to herself. and she honestly did believe that if she tried she could return mason’s feelings at the time. 

what does your character believe will happen to them after they die? does this belief scare them?

she can talk to dead people, so she sort of has…. some insight. she tries not to think about it, but the idea of being a ghost, unable to move on or make contact with the people she cares about, does scare her. mostly she just hopes that when she dies she’ll be able to find peace– like she believes mason has.

[brightestandbest]

Seven Deadly: Pride

This is the first in a series of posts about the so-called “Seven Deadly Sins” and ways to subvert them.

One lesson I have learned is that every so-called “virtue” has a dark side, and nearly every “sin” has its positive power. These journals are part of my shadow work.

So: Pride. Pride is often called the greatest and most terrible of the Seven Deadly Sins. Some think of it as the sin from which all other sins flow. It’s also the sin most frequently associated with Lucifer, who tried to set himself above Yahweh. 

I think we all know the ways in which Pride can be a negative quality. It can make you an obnoxious braggart or insufferable snob. Hurt Pride can lead to holding an implacable grudge, or to stubborn refusal to admit when you are wrong. Pride can be an inflated sense of self-worth that stops growth, or a source of ludicrous perfectionism that tortures your soul and drives everyone around you crazy.

Pride can be many different things, however-- and the above are just a few of the most familiar.

I think Pride gets a bad rap in society. 

The most obvious example I can think of for people who could use a little more Pride is young women. Girls and women are desired and objectified in this world, and are expected to make themselves look as good as possible. Yet, at the same time, they are forbidden to notice when someone is “admiring” them, even if that so-called “admiration” is deeply creepy and a possible sign of danger. They must not take too many selfies. They must deflect all compliments. They must spend money, time and energy on “looking good,” but they must never be seen noticing the fruits of their efforts, because to do so would be “vain.” Talk about alienated labor! To work endlessly on your own face, body and wardrobe in service of some ideal of perfection, and never even be allowed to admire the fruits of your efforts!

Of course, the self-effacing practices society mandates for girls and women go far beyond the realm of physical appearance. In general, everything women and girls do is supposed to appear effortless and never, ever be self-congratulatory.

 Smarter than your male peers at school? Play dumb, never admit it. Hide your test scores. 

More competent than your male-coworkers? Stand back and let them take all the credit for your work. Watch them promoted over your head. Earn seventy cents to their dollar. 

Are you a home-maker? Just go ahead and pretend that cleaning the house and raising the kids is no trouble at all; in fact, laugh at the idea that your stressful 24/7 job where you are always on call is any kind of work at all, much less work that might deserve, I dunno, A GOVERNMENT STIPEND or something. Let everyone else tell you your life is easy, because you don’t have to “work.” Laugh along at jokes about “bored housewives.” 

Trans woman? Be even more self-effacing in everything you do so that maybe no one will fucking kill you. Cis woman who wants to have children? Pretend that pregnancy and childbirth is no biggie, and definitely hide all the “gross” and “scary” parts of it from the world. 

Above all-- apologize way too much. Make your voice quieter and softer than all the others in the room. Every time you speak up, start by saying “sorry.” Make sure to always apologize for the inconvenience of your existence. 

So there’s just one situation in which the specter of “Pride” is being used to keep people under control. I love it when I see women pushing back against this-- whether it’s swaggering, cocky lyrics from a pop diva or a 15-year-old girl flooding instagram with her selfies, and tagging them with those same self-confident lyrics. 

Other marginalized groups have similar struggles with Pride. In America, people of color, immigrants and children of diaspora may struggle with assimilation versus retention of culture. Any kind of Pride they have in their appearances, their cultures, their histories, their religions, etc. will be read as refusal to “fit in,” as being “Un-American.” (This sort of thing happens in many places in the world but I am only really familiar with the American nuances.) 

White society is horribly threatened by expressions of “Black Pride,” “Black Power,” and even by the self-evident phrase “Black Lives Matter!” Say “Black girls are beautiful” and some shithead will just have to say “All girls are beautiful!” It’s a fucking non-sequitur, as if somebody had said “the sky is blue” and someone else had furiously shouted “So is the ocean!” 

“Good” POC, according to white supremacist society, are those who don’t make waves, who don’t make white people uncomfortable by talking about either their identities or the oppression they experience for them, who survive by ignoring everything that makes them “different.” Who, in short, don’t have Pride... or who hide it. 

Gay Pride is a good, familiar example of Pride being subverted from deadly sin to liberatory principle. 

I could give many more examples. At this point I think we can plainly see why the Medieval Church, invested in keeping the peasant population under control, might have named Pride as the worst of sins. Crush someone’s Pride, and you crush their power. You make them small and manageable. 

The truth is that Pride can be a virtue and a source of strength. 

Pride can liberate, illuminate, and nourish. 

Pride can be the rejection of shame. Pride can be gratitude and appreciation for one’s beauty, talents, culture, identity, self. Pride can be the refusal to be made smaller than you are, to be quashed down, to have your light extinguished. 

Pride can motivate positive growth, can push us to be the better selves that we so love and admire. 

Pride can be a realistic awareness of your assets and a willingness to deploy them in life. 

Pride can be recognizing that you are OK, that you are valuable and good just as you are. 

Pride can be loving yourself-- and demanding to be loved.

So ask yourself:

What are you afraid to do, say, or reveal about yourself out of fear of being called: stuck-up, conceited, a braggart, arrogant, too loud, too disruptive, too much-- in short, Prideful?

What are some other words society uses for Pride other than what I listed here? For instance, does calling a woman a “bitch” sometimes mean someone thinks she is too Proud? 

What insults are being used to control you and lower your self-esteem?

What systems of power would be threatened by you having Pride?

What are some awesome things about yourself?

In what ways could you grow, to further honor your extraordinary nature?

Are you ashamed of anything? Are you right to be ashamed of any of those things?

Were you taught that talking about yourself too much, or even at all, was rude, arrogant, or otherwise unattractive?

What could you gain by having higher self-esteem?

[rudderless-in-an-ocean-of-stars]

in your eyes (i find my salvation), chapter two

Find it on Ao3 here:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11225808/chapters/25119108

Of all the people to be Kara’s white knight in the face of the menace that is Lillian Luthor, Cat Grant is the last person she expects to fill that role.

Not that she doesn’t expect Cat to intervene on her behalf, even Kara knows at this point that she’s got a soft spot for her former assistant, it’s just-

She doesn’t expect it to happen quite so spectacularly.

It’s been barely five minutes since Kara walked into her own office and found herself feeling unsafe at CatCo for the first time when someone finally opens the door. She nearly cries with relief at the sound of the knob turning.

This job has been more than Kara’s source of income- it’s been her source of strength. The presence of Lena’s mother and the words that come spilling out of her mouth makes her feel small in ways she hasn’t been for years.

Cat’s eyes flash murderously at the sight of Lillian- or perhaps at the sight of Kara’s faltering façade of calm- and the media mogul is striding forward in a way that suddenly reminds Kara of the nature documentaries she watches on the National Geographic Channel during the nights when she can’t sleep, where some viciously fierce predator stalks forward towards its hapless prey.

“Miss zor-El,” she starts, and the way she’s reverted to using Kara’s last name tells her that this is most definitely not the Cat Grant who shares her M&Ms and gives damn good advice. This is the Cat Grant who could reduce even the most hardened criminals to tears with the mere force of her glare, “Is there a problem here?”

“Hardly,” Lillian smirks, looking very much like the cat that ate the canary, “I was just introducing myself to my daughter’s latest dalliance. Mousy little thing, honestly.”

She speaks as if Kara’s presence is as relevant as the potted plant in the corner of the room.

Cat’s lips thin, simmering with a rage that Kara can describe as no less than homicidal. “If your daughter’s currently involved with Miss zor-El- one of this company’s most valuable assets- then she’s got excellent taste.”

“Is this coming from personal experience, Kitty?” Lillian sniffs, tilting her chin up as she draws herself up to her full height. “I suppose I should have guessed- you must have already sampled everything Miss zor-El has to offer-”

And that’s when it happens.

That’s when Cat Grant- calm, collected, endlessly poised Cat Grant- rears back and- with perfect form, Kara will later dazedly recall- decks Lillian Luthor in the face with a right cross that sends the other woman reeling.

Kara’s jaw falls open in shock as Cat calmly straightens out her blouse and smiles sweetly down at Lillian- now leaning heavily against Kara’s desk, eyes blazing with anger nearly as bright as the reddening mark on her cheek.

“You’d do well not to harass my employees in the future, Lillian.”

“M-miss Grant,” Kara stammers, still struggling to process the events of the past minute, “You d-didn’t have to-”

“On the contrary, Kara, I did. No one can speak about my employees that way.” She nods towards the door. “Go to James Olsen’s office and inform him that we’ve had an unfortunate breach of security, and that I’m currently keeping an eye on our unwelcome intruder. And get Lucy Lane caught up on the details while you’re at it.”

The steel in Cat’s voice has Kara moving towards the door without any further protest.

Cat sends her home.

It’s the last thing she wants to do, the last place she wants to be- alone, after everything- but Kara’s hands shake so badly that the pen she tries to pick up doesn’t even last more than a second in her grasp before falling back to her desk.

Michael, Cat’s personal chauffeur, drives her home.

It’s a kind gesture, but Kara catches him checking on her- probably at Cat’s behest- through the rearview mirror enough times that even his gentle stare begins to grate on her already frayed nerves.

She pushes the door open before the car even comes to a full stop, takes off running into her building and doesn’t stop until the deadbolt of her apartment door is locked behind her.

Kara sags against its sturdy surface, her legs far too shaky to carry her any further. She slides down to sit on the ground with little grace, ragged breaths scratching at her swollen throat as she gasps for air like a woman drowning.

Lillian’s voice rings in her ears.

Five minutes had been enough to engrave the sound of it into Kara’s mind.

I know all about you, Kara zor-El.

Her dark gaze had flickered to Kara’s wrists, hidden beneath the sleeves of another of her sensible cardigans.

In and out of foster homes your whole life.

She’d stepped forward, then, and it had taken almost every ounce of defiance in Kara’s bones to stop herself from taking a step back.

Suicidal by sixteen.

Kara had flinched as though struck, and Lillian- Lillian had simply laughed.

You aren’t worthy of my daughter.

“Kara?” The voice that drags her out of the gaping maw of her traitorous thoughts is sweet and high and overflowing with concern.

Someone moves to kneel beside her.

She can’t bring her eyes to focus through the haze of panic stifling her every sense to see who it is.

Cool hands brush her hair out of her face, straighten the glasses perched crookedly on her nose. She sucks in another desperate, gasping breath and recognizes the taste of cinnamon that hangs in the air.

Alex.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she croons, still stroking Kara’s hair with one hand as she wraps her free arm around Kara’s waist, “Let’s get you to your room, alright?”

Kara tries hard to get her leaden limbs to cooperate, to be able to keep herself upright without aid, but fails miserably at the task. The most she can do is keep herself from collapsing back onto the floor as she leans against the other woman.

Alex is slender and small, but she’s deceptively strong in spite of her build.

She moves towards Kara’s room with ease in spite of the extra weight- this is not the first time she’s had to half-carry her best friend somewhere safe, somewhere she can recover from the anxiety attacks that almost completely shut her mind and body down when they hit.

It’s not the first time, but she always, always wishes it would be the last.

Kara didn’t deserve any of this- not the depression or the pain or the deaths of her parents and the years of abuse that had followed afterwards.

It takes thirty minutes for Kara to finally, finally come back to herself.

Thirty minutes of Alex murmuring soothing nonsense into her ear and furiously texting Winn for information about why her roommate had come back from work almost as quickly as she’d left- and in the middle of a full-on breakdown to boot.

Only the knowledge that Kara needs her more than she needs to track down the sadistic bitch who put her in this state and pummel her into paste keeps her from bolting out the front door the minute she manages to get through Winn’s convoluted explanation of the morning’s events via a choppy series of frantic texts.

She tucks Kara into bed and piles extra pillows high around the younger woman before going to the kitchen to fix her a cup of tea, silently seething the entire time.

One of the couch’s ridiculously fluffy pillows bears the brunt of her anger as she presses her face against it and screams.

The whole ordeal is messy and childish and leaves her mouth dry by the end of it, but at least there’s nothing left in the back of her throat that will threaten to claw its way out when she returns to Kara’s room, two mugs of tea in her hands.

She doesn’t smile, doesn’t even pretend to, because they both know the truth.

Alex knows, and Kara knows that Alex knows, and it all goes ‘round and ‘round in a circle that leaves them dizzy just thinking about it but the point is that they know.

Alex knows and she is pissed that Kara got hurt, and she is pissed at herself for not seeing it coming and stopping it.

(She’s the resident expert on shitty mothers, she should have seen this coming somehow.)

Kara knows that Alex, as always, is blaming herself for something completelyout of her control.

And they both know that it’s useless to try and comfort the other now.

Kara’s hands start to tremble halfway through her cup of tea, and Alex bites the inside of her cheek hard enough to taste blood.

Alex pulls it away and sets it on the nightstand as quickly as she can, but it’s too late.

She turns back around and Kara is crying again, and something in her chest cracks a tiny bit more at the sound.

A quiet voice in her head wonders how much of her heart is left to even bother breaking.

She ignores it in favor of sitting down on the edge of the bed and pulling Kara close, weaving her fingers through soft blonde curls and pressing kisses to the top of her head.

She ignores it in favor of Kara, because as much as she loves Maggie and as much as she loves everyone else in their ragtag band of misfits, Kara is the one person in the world who Alex’s heart would willingly break for.

If she could, she’d pull it out of her chest right now, smash it to slivers, and use the broken pieces to mend Kara’s own.

Her whole life has been a series of ‘if’s- if she’d scored higher on a test, if she’d placed better in a competition, if she could make her mother happy the way she so desperately wanted to in her youth-

But this is the only ‘if’ she knows she’d never have to linger on, the only ‘if’ she knows the outcome to with certainty.

Alex Danvers would die for Maggie, for Lucy, for Winn, and everyone else.

But Alex Danvers lives- and has forced herself to live- for Kara zor-El.

Kara is the purest thing she’s ever known, the first person to truly see her and say that she’s enough in a way that actually let her believe it.

Sisters is too common a term to describe the bond they share, and besides, she’s seen how sisterhood can fail.

(Lucy Lane’s eyes glaze over with pain every time she gets drunk enough to try talking about hers.)

Soulmates, she thinks, is a better word for it, a better way to describe the way they are inextricably linked.

(Who said soulmates had to be romantic, anyway?)

Kara falls asleep tucked against her shoulder, and for a brief, blissful stretch of time, everything feels right, the way it used to before Alex’s dad died and the loving mother she used to have got replaced with the one she sees only a handful of times during the year.

Then her phone rings, and Alex remembers that it’s still the middle of the day and peace will always be a fleeting sensation for someone like her.

She takes care to ease Kara back into the middle of her pile of pillows, makes sure that she leaves a note explaining her absence beside a glass of water and a couple of ibuprofen for the headache she knows that the other girl will wake up to later, and slips quietly out the door.

[junker-town]

The NBA’s realest drama remains on the court

A Bucks vs. Celtics battle was exactly what we needed after the All-Star break.

The Bucks and Celtics played each other on Thursday night in a game that featured clutch shot-making, playoff-level defense, and late-game controversy. It was everything you’d want in a mid-season showdown between two contenders. That it came at the moment when the league shakes off the All-Star week hangover and finally gets serious for the final stretch only added to its urgency.

In the final three minutes alone there were four lead changes, one tie, and a bizarre 3.7 seconds that included: a blown shot-clock interpretation, an offensive foul by Kyrie Irving that led to a defensive foul by Khris Middleton — both of which went uncalled — and then two missed shooting fouls on Irving’s last-second attempt that never would have happened if either the shot clock or the offensive foul had been called correctly.

There were also numerous strategic talking points to dissect along with a signature moment from MVP frontrunner Giannis Antetokounmpo, whose at-the-rim block of a Jayson Tatum breakaway dunk helped secure a one-point Milwaukee victory.

To be sure, most of the night wasn’t nearly that dramatic. Both teams looked like they hadn’t played an NBA game in more than a week and with that came all the loose turnovers and bricked jump shots you can imagine. Still, the chaotic final minutes felt like a prelude to an epic playoff series between two teams that are only a year removed from going seven games.

It was a wonderful sloppy mess that offered a welcome antidote to an All-Star break that featured more hand-wringing about tampering, the continued devolution of the Anthony Davis saga, and the deflating sight of Zion Williamson lying in a heap after the presumptive No. 1 overall pick’s shoe exploded.

All of which is to say, we needed that. We needed the games to matter again because left to our own devices and devoid of meaningful contests, the NBA continued to spin storylines ripped from plot points both real and imagined. It’s around that moment when a hallway conversation between friends becomes an orchestrated coup.

Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

“C’mon man, you do it for the likes and clicks, everybody does,” Irving said on Wednesday, after a video of his conversation with Kevin Durant was posted online. “Everybody wants to hear me talk like this. Everybody wants to actually talk about bullshit. A video though? To pour water on (speculation)? Makes no sense. It’s not real life. Not real.”

Irving has said a lot of head-scratching things over the last few years but he was right about this. When all we talk about is bullshit, and most of what’s said before July 1 is meaningless, what’s left to really discuss?

The Bucks and C’s gave us a well-timed reminder that the games are the realest currency in this morally bankrupt world of conjured conspiracies and idle speculation. Especially in the Eastern Conference where the matchup possibilities are endlessly fascinating.

Consider that the Celtics own the Sixers, but haven’t won in Toronto in almost four years. Or that the Raps went 3-1 against Philly, but only 1-3 against Milwaukee. While the Sixers have struggled against the other contenders, that was before they added Tobias Harris to their star-studded starting lineup. The Pacers, meanwhile, are still lurking with their strong defense and high-IQ roster ready to upset anyone who dares overlook them.

With apologies to the Raptors and leaving open the possibility that the Sixers will gel Voltron-style between now and April, the Bucks and the Celtics have the look of the two best teams in the conference. Milwaukee owns the best record and top point-differential, while Boston has been almost as good since Nov. 26 when they began to salvage their season with a road win over New Orleans.

What’s fascinating about these two teams is they are polar opposites in nearly every respect. The Bucks have outperformed every conceivable expectation with unabashed joy, while the Celtics have underachieved through a campaign that’s featured multiple public airings of internal distress.

The Bucks are the only team in the league that hasn’t lost consecutive games, a level of consistency that few saw for this team coming into this season. The Celtics, on the other hand, have been both streaky and occasionally sketchy. Their inconsistent play has been a far cry from the anticipated plug-and-play juggernaut.

With every starter except for Antetokounmpo heading for free agency this summer, the Bucks have gone all-in this season. In December, they dumped salary and acquired a solid veteran in George Hill who has stabilized their second units around a commitment to defense. And in February, general manager Jon Horst acquired Niko Mirotic from the Pelicans for a stash of second-round picks.

For reasons of practicality and also the promise of prying AD from New Orleans this summer, the Celtics have not gone all-in this season, electing to stand pat through the summer and at the deadline while everyone else loaded up. Minus the first quarter of the season and leaving aside all the other stuff — admittedly it’s a lot of stuff — the C’s are still a deep team loaded with playoff experience. There’s a reason people keep coming back to them despite their petty squabbles.

The on-court strategies also take divergent paths. Under Brad Stevens, the Celtics employ the modern tactic of switching every defensive assignment. They did so while continuing to play Antetokounmpo straight up and daring the other Bucks to beat them. That they did when Middleton buried an above-the break 3-pointer that proved to be the game-winner. The same Khris Middleton who nearly broke Boston in last season’s playoff.

The Bucks, meanwhile, resist switching in favor of dropping their big men into the paint, a Mike Budenholzer staple. Because they rarely foul, the Bucks are successful in taking two of the three most prized shots away from their opponents: dunks and free throws.

The Celtics don’t do much of either, so they happily accepted the open invitation to fire away, notably on the pick-and-pop between Irving and Al Horford that may hold the key in a playoff matchup.

It all came down to those final climatic seconds where everything seemed to be happening at once and no one had any clue what they were watching. Give us seven games of that. Give us Giannis racing down the court for chase-down blocks and Kyrie unspooling corkscrew jumpers. Give us Horford stretching the floor and Middleton working the mid-range. Give us Bud and Brad trying to force the other to adjust their tactics.

Hell, we’re not greedy. We’ll take anything we can get. Give us the Raptors and Celtics finally meeting in a postseason series. Give us JoJo Embiid battling Marc Gasol, or Kawhi Leonard trying to lock down the Freak. Give us Eric Bledsoe muscling Kyle Lowry out of the paint or Ben Simmons towering over all of them.

Give us any of it. We need it all after this season.

SAY WHAT?I

“Is the internet real for you, in your life?”

Kyrie Irving.

Reaction: I took All-Star weekend off for the first time in six years and completely unplugged from the NBA. Before Kyrie’s quotestorm, I had no idea there was a video of him and Kevin Durant talking, and I don’t feel the need to go hunt it down. The internet is why we’re all here, but it doesn’t have to run our lives.

“Knowing what I know now, college basketball is bullsh-t.”

DeMarcus Cousins, in the aftermath of Zion Williamson’s injury.

Reaction: It’s worth listening to the whole video because Cousins makes a number of valid points, including the acknowledgment that he enjoyed his time in college. In what the league says is coincidence, they submitted a proposal to the NBPA the day after Zion’s injury to lower the minimum age to 18 years old. That’s a collective bargaining issue and one both sides should work to get right.

“How am I going to keep Isaiah Thomas off the floor? I’m not. He’s here for a reason. We’ll figure it out.”

Denver coach Michael Malone.

Reaction: The Nuggets have a numbers problem. They have too many guys. With Thomas and Gary Harris coming back from injuries, they go 12-deep and have received contributions from a diverse group of players including Monte Morris and Malik Beasley who are enjoying breakthrough seasons. Managing those minutes will be an interesting test for Malone. (By the way, I’ve watched this video of Malone draining a jumper on Jamal Murray daily for a dose of middle-aged affirmation.)

“I do want to win a championship, but it’s other stuff that means more to me. It’s almost like I’m not willing to sell myself out for that.”

Portland guard Damian Lilllard on Chris Haynes’ Posted Up podcast.

Reaction: At some point, maybe, people will listen to Dame when he consistently makes this point that there are things more important in his life than winning championships. The dude is just different and maybe we should all appreciate his well-balanced perspective.

“It’s lingering, and it’s something that has to be looked at for sure. For sure, it’s personal. For sure. I don’t think he should be able to even officiate our games anymore, honestly.”

James Harden discussing referee Scott Foster after fouling out of a game on Thursday.

Reaction: While not unprecedented, it’s been a while since we had a player-ref feud of this magnitude. You may recall that the league took Joey Crawford off the floor after a run-in with Tim Duncan. Old heads surely remember the nastiness between Clyde Drexler and Jake O’Donnell. Those were different times. It will be interesting to see how the league handles this one.

THE LIST

Consumable NBA Thoughts

With only a third of the season left to play, we have ourselves an honest-to-goodness race for Most Valuable Player. With three deserving candidates at the top and a half-dozen more lingering around the fringes, the MVP conversation is one we’ll be having often over the next two months. Let’s have fun with it and not turn it into a flame war. Cool? Here’s where things stand for me, with the caveat that I’m keeping an open mind about all of it as this unfolds.

Giannis Antetokounmpo

I’ve had Giannis on top of my unofficial MVP rankings since mid-November and he’s given me no reason to drop him from the perch. There’s been no drop-off in play or league-wide adjustment to consistently slow him down. He’s also a monster defensively. If anything, Antetokounmpo’s value has only increased as his Bucks assumed control of the regular season. Milwaukee is 13.7 points better than their opponents when Giannis is on the court, the highest individual net rating in the league. The Bucks are only three points better when he sits, essentially the difference between a good team and the best in the league. That’s a crude metric, but I’m rolling with the best player on the best team having arguably the best season. For now.

James Harden

Like Giannis, there’s no objective reason to deny Harden the top spot. He’s been so brilliant offensively that his campaign defies simple comparison. Even in this hyper-inflated era, no one has ever played like this. Nor have they remained this efficient or so long. You can quibble about the aesthetics of Harden’s game, but not his importance. Before his surge, there were legitimate arguments that the Rockets were toast. He’s carried them back from the brink. It’s been Harden’s bad luck to play in an era when his best season have been overshadowed by other historic campaigns — Steph Curry in 2015, Russell Westbrook in 2017 — and now, possibly Giannis, as well.

Paul George

I’m not sure what PG needs to do to break into the top two. Play out of his mind? Sure, but George has been doing that. He’s averaging 34-8-5 over the last month and that’s with 2.5 steals a game and 45 percent shooting from 3-point range. The numbers are so outrageous across the board for the top 3 MVP contenders that PG’s exploits have been, if not glossed over, hardly celebrated with the same vigor as the top two. That may be changing. PG has a third of the season left to continue changing our minds about what kind of player he’s been this season. It’s led him to the top three and that’s a level few of us ever thought he’d reach. That’s no reason to put a cap on him either.

Kevin Durant/Steph Curry

The old saw that KD is objectively “better,” while Curry is arguably more “important,” to the Warriors holds some measure of truth. It’s also an easy way to avoid the question. If pressed, I’d have KD fourth and Curry fifth simply because he’s played more games and more than 400 more minutes. I don’t feel that strongly about it either. Maybe someday we’ll be able to look back and appreciate how these two megastars gave each other enough rope to continue being great. Right now it just feels like overkill.

Everyone else

Nikola Jokic has been a beast for the Nuggets. He is someone you really need to watch to appreciate. Joel Embiid has been for Philly, as well. Hopefully his leg injury won’t keep him out long. Damian Lillard has reached a sustained level of excellence that should be celebrated. You can make arguments for any of them to be “in the conversation” and I won’t object to how you rank them. I might even throw Rudy Gobert in there, but not ahead of the other two big men. Kyrie Irving and Kawhi Leonard have both been outstanding, but they’ve missed a few too many games to crack the top five. LeBron James remains LeBron James, minus the 18 games he’s missed. That’s a healthy list, all subject to change in April.

[monsterousmasterpiece666]

He saved me, now I save him pt. 2

Word Count: 3,563

Pairing: Tony Stark x Reader, Natasha and Wanda mentioned more often compared to the rest of the team

Story includes: More fluff with Tony, and an introduction to the rest of the team. A bit of angst helping him through a nightmare, and falling in love. A crazy night out with the girls as he spoils you!

It had been about a week since your attack and the best day of your life. You met the Iron Man, and still had to remind yourself this wasn’t all a dream. You found a new job, thanks to Natasha, that kept you safe at home. You never minded staying inside and preferred it, especially in New York where the world always was close to crumbling. Every single day you were in the infirmary for a cheek up by the one and only Bruce Banner. His thing wasn’t really people but Tony insisted and when Tony wants something, he gets it. Your bruises were finally a greenish yellow color against your skin, and your eye had returned to normal. Tony kept his promise and was at your door bright and early every day, you were always so excited to wake up in the morning to let your hero in and watched as he interacted with Noir with so much love. He stared at you intently whenever you did something, almost as if you were fragile and you finally worked up the courage to ask why,

“Tony why do you always look at me like I’m some breakable china set?” He raised his eyebrows and continued petting the purring feline in his arms,

“Because you are as valuable to me as said china set.” Shrugging slightly after he replied and you couldn’t fight the butterflies in your stomach and heat rising in your cheeks.

It was the second week in and you finally got to meet the rest of the team, per your request to wait until you looked more like a normal being. Of course you met Natasha and quickly became friends, she always stopped by your place after a mission just trying to wind down and you bonded over your late movie nights and sleepovers. She gave you all in inside scoop on the squad so you knew exactly what to expect, and she didn’t disappoint. Steve was as charming as he was handsome, a man from another era trapped in the modern age. He shook your hand firmly, but made sure to keep his strength in check as he smiled. Instantly Tony felt a pang of annoyance by how long Steve held your hand and laid his arm over your shoulder causing you to blush,

“Alright Capsicle that’s enough touchy feely,” a grimace spread across Steve’s face as he pulled his hand away slowly.

“You know I hate when you call me that Stark. I know you’re trying to impress Y/N but there’s no need. We know not to mess with your things.” Blushing even brighter as you looked down at your feet and Steve started to walk away towards the gym you managed to squeak,

“It was really nice to meet you Captain America!” His face half turned as he smiled and nodded walking through the large double doors, Nat gently pushed you down the line to Bucky Barnes. He smiled the best you thought he could manage, feeling his genuine warmth you shook his normal hand as you felt Tony’s hand tighten on your shoulder slightly. Nat told you about their trouble and you decided to brush it off because everyone deserves chances.

“It’s really nice to meet you Bucky.” He shuffled slightly pulling his hand away as he nodded, his long dark locks falling over his face.

“It’s very nice to meet you ma’am, I think I’m going to join Steve in the gym.” He awkwardly walked away and you smiled up at Tony who seemed more serious than you’ve seen him since you met him. Finally you met Clint, Sam, Vision, Wanda, and Bruce again. They all seemed to be happy to have another person in Tony’s life. Apparently he’s been on the rocks, but since he had met you turned into a completely different person. Bruce told you that he had a serious drinking problem since Pepper left, and you made him happier and even on a more regular sleep schedule.

“Alright I think Y/N has met enough strangers for the day. I think I should take this beautiful lady on a tour of the building,” Tony muttered as you stood beside him. The others got the hint, Sam and Clint went off to some place to do something, while Bruce went back down to the lab. Vision vanished through the floor so you had no idea where he had gone too, and finally Natasha and Wanda started walking off before the red head turned and looked at you,

“Hey Y/N. Girls night between the three of us should happen soon. Too much testosterone around here for us gorgeous ladies! Maybe out to a club?” Wanda happily agreed as they wandered off to the living room area of the tower. Tony pulled you into the elevator as he grinned whispering in your ear,

“As long as I get to pick out what you wear,” the heat in your body rising as you smiled.

“I’m sure it’d be over the top and too expensive for my budget T. We both know I’m not some billionaire. Plus who would take care of my little boy back at home?” The elevator dinged as you reached the top level and raised an eyebrow before you felt hands around your waist as he walked you through the open doors. You couldn’t stifle the gasp that came from your lips as you saw the city skyline, the sun slowly setting over the buildings, causing the windows to glitter slightly.

“Tony it’s so beautiful up here. I’ve never seen the city from this angle. It’s always seemed…so dingy and danger prone.” He chuckled behind you as he rested his chin on the top of your head,

“Only danger prone to you my dear. That’s why you should count yourself lucky to have Iron Man by your side.” Those words filled your heart with such joy, and looked up at him, your long locks blowing in the wind to cover his shoulders slightly.

“Promise me? Iron Man will be there for me? Always?” Your voice was almost breathless at this point, as you realized what you had said.

“Always Y/N. You are very important to me. Like fancy china.” He laughed to himself as his soft lips met your forehead, his facial hair tickling your skin as you smiled. Of course your stomach decided to ruin the perfect moment between the both of you, as you laughed and turned around wrapping your arms around his waist.

“Maybe some dinner would be a good idea. I think the group is cooking downstairs tonight, join us please? It’d make me happy knowing you could stand the life we have with me. I know it’s utter chaos and most of us are in and out, but tonight I asked Fury to keep the missions to himself so we could all enjoy a night together.” You almost felt tears spill down your cheeks, never had any man done such things for you. Your ex had always gone out with his friends, you never met his family. Being with Tony was so different, and even though Nat warned you about it you couldn’t help but fall even deeper in love. Being in love with an Avenger is a dangerous thing, you could be kidnapped and used as leverage, or harmed and cause the team a rift. You couldn’t care less, Tony was all you wanted and you hoped he felt the same way about you. Pulling you out of your thought cloud you were slung over his shoulder and gasped protesting loudly,

“Tony! Put me down! I can walk on my own if you’ve forgotten!”

“I know you can Y/N. But why make such a beautiful lady walk when you can carry her?” He squeezed your thigh slightly causing you to gasp and burst out laughing as the elevator doors opened. You loved his playboy side, it always made you smile the most.

“Besides I’ve got to embarrass you any chance I get!” He laughed to himself while pressing the button. You tried endlessly to convince him to set you down before the doors open but he wasn’t having it. Finally you heard the ding and hid your face in his back, shaking your head.

“Um. Tony, are you kidnapping Y/N? In front of her best friend who happens to be an assassin?” Nat was the first to see you but quickly Wanda was by her side and snickered quietly before walking away.

“Yes! I’m going to take her to my room and have my way with her. Of course you already knew that.”

“Tony! Don’t say things that aren’t true! You promised me food and I’m starving! My stomach has growled against your shoulder a few times while on the way down here.” Hitting his back slightly as he finally set you down and shrugged and whispered in your ear,

“Maybe one day that story will be believable.” You turned quickly biting your lip as you looped an arm around Nat and walked back to the large room, the table full of food. Italian was your favorite and you felt like Tony made sure everyone else knew. Large bowls with pasta and different sauces covered the table, along with the matching plate sets and smiled to yourself remembering Tony refer to you as his china. Of course you knew the large amount of food was due to the many Avenging men surrounding the table. You sat sandwiched between Nat and Bucky, as the Tony took his spot at the head of the table looking at you.

“Alright team! Let’s dig in, we all deserve it since you were on your best behavior for Y/N.” Tony flashed his million dollar smile at you, which made your knees weak.

“Apparently you weren’t on your best behavior Stark. According to Wanda at least,” Steve mumbled as the table erupted in laughter when your face turned red. After stuffing yourself with your second plate of pasta, you noticed most of the others were on their fourth or fifth. It wasn’t such a big deal to them since they worked all of it off of course, but you couldn’t help but stare slightly. Bucky tried his best to keep conversation with you, and you happily accepted it. Tony on the other hand was not so cheerful, the rift between the two was still there and you knew, but you hoped that you could maybe get them to accept each other somehow. Finally everyone was done eating and you helped clean off the table with the girls, talking about your upcoming girls night. You really couldn’t wait, that’s never happened before you, having girl friends and all the other things. Finally settling on a club they both hugged you and retired for the night. You wandered around slightly knowing Tony was down in the lab you finally went out onto the balcony and stared up at the stars. A robotic voice scaring you,

“Ready to go home Y/N? I know it’s late and Noir is probably missing you like crazy.” You simply nod as your hero scooped you into his arms and flew you back home, and unlocking the door the both of you walked into the warm apartment and Tony got out of his suit. Like the other half of a magnet Noir was rubbing against his legs as you smiled, and walked off to your room and changed into your comfortable sleep clothes. A whistle escaped Tony as he admired your ensemble, and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. It was just a pair of shorts and t-shirt your usual, as Tony sat in his sweats and grey tight shirt. Shaking your head as you smiled and grabbed his hand pulling him to your bed,

“Oh is this the part where I finally get to score?” He smirked as you hit his arm and pushed him onto his back. This was your favorite part about knowing Iron Man. The countless hours talking and learning more about him through the night until you both got tired. He usually left but tonight you really wanted him to stay with you again like he did the first night, but you actually don’t look like a beaten mess. He enjoyed getting to know you as much as you enjoyed knowing more about him. You would lay on your side, wrapping one soft leg around one of his, head on his chest, and arm draped over his waist. He would play with your long locks and rub your shoulder. It was perfection, and just so easy for the both of you. Your eyes had started to close the sound of Tony’s soft snore lulling you to sleep when you felt his breathing become ragged underneath you, quickly sitting up you look at him. The sweat across his face as he struggled slightly, mumbling under his breath you felt yourself panic slightly.

“Y/N…Anyone but her! Please don’t hurt her…She has nothing to do with Hydra!” He screamed and shot straight up looking around the dark surroundings, you flicked the lamp light on and looked at him grabbing his face with your hands.

“Tony, it was just a bad dream I’m here I promise. F.R.I.D.A.Y. could you bring us a big glass of what please?” You raised your voice only to ask this of her, and quickly the water was presented as you rubbed Tony’s back.

“Please drink Tony, it’ll help.” His face was pale and drenched in sweat as he took the glass and downed the glass of water, and you nodded at the suit which quickly left the room. Panic was still spread across his face as you helped him calm down by breathing, and talking softly to him.

“Y/N…I’m sorry. I’ve never wanted you to see me like that. It’s been happening ever since the war with Loki and the army of aliens, it’s just been so much.” You nodded and went to the bathroom quickly wiping his face with a cool damp cloth and smiled at him, kissing his forehead.

“Tony, we aren’t supposed to be perfect. It’s difficult to not worry about things, especially when you’re Iron Man everything seems to be more drastic.” He looked up at you and you sat beside him, pulling his face to your chest as you smoothed his dark hair, fingers gently touching his cheek. Moving around you laid him between your legs as he smiled slightly and placed both of his hands on your knees, you massaged his shoulders and rested your chin to the top of his head.

“Y/N, I know it must be weird. I just, haven’t been doing well since all that happened and sometimes the nightmares are too real. Did I say anything during this episode?” He looked up at you as you felt your heart race and nodded. Your eyes started getting heavy as he whispered softly,

“Y/N? You still awake by any chance?” You mumbled and nodded between his shoulder blades as you could imagine the smirk that spread across his face.

“Can I pick your outfit for tonight? I promise I won’t make it too expensive or go all out. We do have a mission tomorrow, Bucky, Capsicle, and I, in some foreign land. I want to go away knowing you’ll be so insanely beautiful and having the time of your life.” Simply nodding as you smiled and kissed his shoulder as you mumbled,

“Alright fine just hush and get some sleep Iron Man.”  He laughed quietly as you passed out instantly, snoring softly between his shoulders as he happily relaxed against you and drifted off as well.

That morning, when you finally both woke due to Noir screaming at you both for breakfast, you happily watched him stumble around and feed your child. He kissed the top of your head and smiled as you leaned up and kissed his nose,

“Alright Y/N. I’ve got to go to briefing all day, but expect your dress to arrive soon. Get a bit more sleep before the girls are here and you’re all getting ready. I’ll even let Nat use one of the good cars, don’t need to show up in a military vehicle.” He laughed, which made your heart thud louder as you nodded and gently tugged on his shirt forcing him to look at you before he got into his suit,

“You be brave my Iron Man. I can’t wait to see you again.” He nodded and hugged you tightly, and you truly didn’t want it to end but you knew what you were signing yourself up for. He got in and walked out the door and was off. You felt your heart leave your chest as you grabbed your now happily fed cat and wandered back into your room and collapsed back onto the bed catching a few more hours of sleep before your phone started buzzing off the hook a million questions asked by Nat. The girls finally agreed to come get ready at your place and heard a knocking on your door, peering through the peep hole you saw a delivery man you opened the door and signed for the rather large box. Closing the door you looked at the note and smiled as it read,

“Maybe you can model this for Natasha and she can take some photos. Would really love to see you, even if I can’t be there with the most beautiful girl on my arm. –T” You pulled the box close and smiled, as you finally walked to your room opening it, you noticed that there was a series of boxes, one long large one, topped by two smaller ones. Opening the smaller boxes you gasp loudly, a string of diamonds with a small red ruby encased in gold hanging off the middle. The second box held matching earrings and bracelet, you knew you were going to kick Tony’s ass when he got back. He did the exact thing you told him not too, but you couldn’t be too upset they looked so gorgeous and off set your skin, making you glow. Finally you uncovered the largest of the boxes and squealed with delight, pulling up the white and red dress. It was cut off mid-thigh as the white glittering fabric was accented by red piping along the sides, accenting your slightly round figure and you noticed the matching red heels. Tony certainly had taste and you were excited to slip it on. Finally after a few hours the girls showed up and Nat was happy to report she drove one of the fancier cars, you had no clue of the brand, and didn’t even have to argue with Tony over it. Natasha was in a black mini dress, with sequins adoring the top, her fire red hair curled in ringlets, and pulled back slightly. Wanda had on a deep red, almost mauve colored dress, with strappy high heels and her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. You eagerly slipped into the bathroom and straightened your hair, and slipped the dress and jewelry on, walking out as you slid your left heel on the girls screamed. You finally all grabbed each other and screamed happily, grabbing your phone you took selfies, making sure you’d set one or a few of those as your background on your laptop later.

“Um, Nat? Tony had a request…he wanted pictures of me dressed up…modeling it?” She rolled her eyes and smiled.

“Well at least he didn’t ask you to just take pictures in the jewels. Pose against the curtain over there Y/N.” Wanda was thrilled to find out you had a cat and was holding him close while you smiled at Nat and did some playful poses.

“Perfect! These will drive Tony mad!” You laughed as the girls nodded and you sent a few cute group pictures, before the slightly sultry ones in your outfit. Honestly you haven’t been this happy in a while, then you heard a knock on the door as Nat quickly made sure it was alright and opened the door. Where she hid that gun was a true mystery as she rolled her eyes and walked over to you holding deep red roses.

“To the most beautiful girl there at the party tonight, I can’t wait to see what you look like dressed in the outfit I chose for you. –T” blushing bright red as your phone pinged and you looked down and saw the message across your phone,

“Beautiful as ever, you will make this mission a bit more difficult to focus on. You lovely ladies have fun tonight, ask Nat not to wreck my car completely.” You held the roses against your chest and giggled as the girls set them in vase and pulled you out the door for the one of the craziest nights of your life…

 I really hope you guys like part two to this story! I’m really enjoying writing this! Tony Stark is simply adorable!